My personal favorite to win the gold medal in the new Olympic whining competition is Reggie Miller, the poor millionaire basketball player. He took an early lead by whining about the Dream Team's living quarters.
"(The media) make it look like we're staying at the Ritz-Carlton, when we're staying at a one-star hotel. The room service is terrible," whined Reggie, getting off to a fast start.He and his teammates are staying at the Omni, a three-star hotel with $1,200 suites and round-the-clock room service.
Rule No. 1: A whiner never lets truth get in the way.
Miller makes whining look so easy; the good ones always do.
But the freestyle whine is an arduous event, demanding stamina and lots of hot, humid air. Fortunately, there's a lot of the latter in Atlanta. Medals and bouquets will be awarded at the conclusion of the Games.
These are the days of whine and roses. Everywhere you look, somebody is whining. They're setting Olympic records for whining in Atlanta.
Danny Ainge should be here.
John McEnroe is definitely Olympic material.
Reggie faces stiff competition for the gold, however. Teammate Charles Barkley, for instance, is coming on strong. He also whined about his hotel room. Too small. He whined that he can reach the television and the sink from his bed.
Another big contender is the media, which has whined enough hot air to float the Atlanta Police blimp. The media believe in volume whining rather than one big whine.
The media whine about traffic jams and transportation problems.
ACOG whines about the media whining.
The public whines about the media whining.
The media whine about ACOG and the public whining about the media whining.
Politically correct people - the defending Olympic champion whiners - whine about NBC's homerism.
Swimmers whine about Irish swimmer Michelle Smith. They whine that she must be on drugs because she improved so much and won three gold medals.
Baseball players whine about the type of baseball that's being used in the Olympics. Too soft.
A European gymnast whined about his bronze medal and removed it from his neck as he walked off the victory stand. Wrong color.
Other European gymnasts whined about the Americans' home-field advantage.
They have a saying in Atlanta: If at first you don't succeed, whine, whine, whine again.
They have another saying in Atlanta: If you can't beat 'em, whine about 'em.
Italian baseball coach Silvano Ambrosioni whined about the Americans stealing a base while holding a 13-3 lead.
The Americans also lead in the team whine competition. They whined about the timekeeping in a field hockey loss to Argentina. They whined about biased decisions against two of their boxers.
American boxing coaches whined about not getting more TV coverage. They said it was because the boxers are black.
Mary Slaney, a former Olympic champion long-distance whiner, whined that the track is too hard for distance runners.
Monica Seles whined about having to miss a gymnastics competition this week. She was stuck playing an Olympic tennis match.
Getting in the Olympic spirit of things, Atlantans have held their own whining festival.
Local ministers whined that the Olympics have cost them attendance and money. They want to pass the plate to the Olympics for compensation.
Taxi drivers and local businesses whine that they've lost business because of the Olympics.
Street vendors whine that they're not getting a return on their investment and are threatening to sue the Olympics.
Fans whined about the dearth of tickets and price gouging.
Such glorious whining. We are in the presence of greatness at the Olympics, and we still have a week to go. The best is yet to come.
After all, a good whine only gets better with age.