BEFORE YOU CAN make an intelligent decision as to who you're going to vote for in the upcoming presidential election ("none of the above" being the coward's way out), you'll definitely need to know the results of the cookie bake-off between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Elizabeth Dole.
The bake-off is being sponsored by Family Circle magazine and pits Clinton's chocolate chip cookies against Dole's pecan rolls.As the defending champ, Clinton has an early lead in the polls. You may recall that she edged out Barbara Bush in a 1992 contest that was arranged after Clinton was chastised for implying that lawyers do more important work than housewives. ("I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas!" is the quote that started it all, I believe.)
Dole has several things working against her in this contest, other than the fact that she is married to a man who bears a striking resemblance to the late Boris Karloff. For one, her pecan logs take 45 minutes to bake, compared to 8-10 minutes for Clinton's chocolate chip cookies.
The other thing is that the first lady's cookies are healthier, weighing in at 65 calories and 3.65 grams of fat each compared to 91 calories and 7.68 grams of fat for Dole's cookies.
Seeing as how our present system for selecting a president basically boils down to how much money a candidate spends on mean, misleading television commercials, determining the next Leader of the Free World on the basis of his wife's cookie recipe strikes me as a vastly improved way of settling the issue.
Being married to a woman who can whip up a batch of moist, chewy cookies at the drop of a hat does not necessarily mean that you're qualified to lead this country into the 21st century, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're not, either.
Some women may argue that it is demeaning for the U.S. presidential election to be decided on the basis of how well the prospective first ladies handle a dough hook. These are, after all, the '90s, and men are expected to do their share of household chores over and above tossing their empty drink cans in the direction of the trash can.
I think we should get the candidates themselves to demonstrate their domestic skills, such as they may be. The candidates could kick off the election season with a light dusting competition, followed by vacuuming, dishwashing and floor-scrubbing contests.
Candidates would have to demonstrate a knack for grocery shopping (with coupons, of course) and be able to make a decision between paper and plastic without consulting pollsters, spin doctors or gurus.
They'd then have to pick up their kid from day care because he's throwing up and running a fever of 102 (child actors could be used, if necessary) and take him to the pediatrician while dreaming up an excuse to give to the boss (played by Anthony Hopkins) who thinks you are disloyal and a bad employee because you can't separate your work from your family.
A little bit of this, I suspect, and it won't be long before the candidates decide it might be simpler to give serious thought to the issues and stop treating the voters like idiots.
Especially if we threaten them with aprons.