William Shatner came to town Saturday.
That's it. That's the news. You don't really need to know what Shatner, a.k.a. Capt. James T. Kirk, said in his speech to the Trek-O-Rama convention at the Salt Palace Convention Center, because had he read from the telephone book he still would have received a standing ovation.Simply having Shatner show up was an event for the 1,000 Trekkers who sat (and stood) in rapt attention during his hourlong string of insubstantial stories of life in show business.
Hundreds of spectators, in fact, paid $50 for the privilege of sitting in the front third of the cavernous auditorium and later getting a Shatner autograph.
"What can I say - I'm a Shatner geek," said one of these. "I know he can't act, but that's part of the appeal."
The erstwhile commander of the USS Enterprise was an animated speaker, gesticulating and occasionally jumping about the stage with a hand-held microphone. He spoke in a unique rapid-fire style known to millions of Star Trek fans, punctuated by random pauses.
"I'm . . . doing . . . a lot of . . . things with CD-ROM. I'm pro- . . . ducing a . . . big event in Toronto."
Very often Shatner couldn't find the word he was looking for and gestured to the audience for help. He told a story about playing a joke on co-star DeForest Kelley, who was toasting English muffins on the set. He had already referred several times to the muffins.
Nevertheless, at one point it escaped him what, exactly, was in the toaster.
"I go to the toaster. I grab the, uh, the, uh, uh, the toast. . . . "
When speaking of the original Star Trek television series, which ran from 1966 to 1969, Shatner couldn't find a good word to describe how it all blurred together for him, though he did find an opportunity for a quip.
"It was all a mash - uh, no, M*A*S*H was another series - it was all a, uh, a, it was a, uh, a flow of energy."
Shatner is so closely identified with the suave Capt. Kirk that it is perhaps inevitable that the two should flow together somewhat. Kirk was a notorious rake who seduced nubile women of various species - Shatner told of receiving phone calls from unknown women who confessed their helpless love for him.
On the other hand, he told of falling on the set of the last Star Trek movie and the "prettiest girl on the set" running up and anxiously inquiring after his health. He assured her he was fine.
"Oh, good," she responded. "Because for a man of your age. . . ."
For Saturday's audience, Kirk was clearly superior to the less swashbuckling Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart), captain of the USS Enterprise in "Star Trek: The Next Generation." Shatner told of a Las Vegas cab driver who became irritated with Stewart, forced him out of the cab, then recognized him as Picard.
"Oh, well, I'm lucky," the cabbie said, as Stewart later related to Shatner. "If it had been Capt. Kirk I'd be in trouble."
"(Stewart) said it was very humiliating," Shatner said.
Among the various Star Trek memorabilia sold at the convention was a T-shirt delineating the top 10 reasons Kirk is better than Picard. Among them:
"Kirk's idea of diplomacy is a phaser and a smirk." (Picard prefers negotiation to weapons.)
"Kirk never drinks tea." (Briton Stewart loves the stuff.)
"One word: HAIR!"
Regarding that last, Stewart is indeed severely hair-challenged. Ironically, however, so is Shatner, who covers the deficiency with a toupee. He is notoriously sensitive about it, even though the noble captain's tactic is universally known among Trekkers.