"Volcano: Fire on the Mountain" isn't really a disaster movie - it's a movie that's a total disaster.
How horrible is "Volcano?" Well, when the lava starts to flow you'll find yourself rooting for it to track down and kill not only the movie's characters, but its writer and director as well.Bad acting. Bad direction. Stupid script. "Volcano" (which airs Sunday at 8 p.m. on ABC/Ch. 4) has everything you don't want in a movie.
The similarities between the plots of "Volcano: Fire on the Mountain" and the recently released theatrical film "Dante's Peak" are startling:
- "Peak" has a long-dormant volcano that suddenly comes to life, threatening a nearby small town. "Volcano" has a long-dormant volcano that suddenly comes to life, threatening a nearby small town.
- Near the opening of "Peak," a young couple is boiled to death when the slumbering volcano suddenly raises the temperature of a hot spring. Near the opening of "Volcano," a young couple is killed when the slumbering volcano suddenly opens fissures in a ski slope.
- "Peak" features a scientist who just has a gut feeling the volcano is going to erupt, putting him at odds with his boss. "Volcano" features exactly the same thing. And, of course, both scientists get to say, "I told you so."
- The town fathers in "Peak" are reluctant to acknowledge their volcano problem, fearing it will harm their economic development. So are the town fathers in "Volcano."
Said one observer who saw both movies, "I guess there's only so many ways to do a volcano movie, huh?"
What "Peak" has going for it, however, is the presence of Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton in the lead roles. "Volcano," on the other hand, is saddled with Dan Cortese - who has no appreciable acting ability whatsoever - and Cynthia Gibb, who is talented only in comparison to Cortese.
Oddly enough, however, while "Dante's Peak" leaves ash covering that town, a similar eruption by "Volcano" simply shakes this town around a bit.
When "Volcano" isn't trying to mimic "Peak," it's mimicking "Twister." Like Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton in the tornado movie, Cortese and Gibb are a former couple who've gone through an ugly breakup and then are thrown back together.
And if you can't guess how that plot line is going to turn out, you aren't trying.
I don't normally give away the end of a movie, but it's worth noting here just to indicate how dreadful this movie is. (If you don't want to know, don't read the next two paragraphs.)
As the lava closes in on the trapped townsfolk, Gibb and Cortese set out on skis to trigger an avalanche. They succeed, and the ensuing snow slide diverts the lava flow and saves the town.
The fact that molten rock would have instantly vaporized snow before it destroyed the town does not seem to have occurred to anyone involved in making the movie.
I can't tell you whether the effects in "Volcano" are any good, because the review tape didn't include any special effects.
But I can tell you that no matter how spectacular those effects turn out to be, they couldn't possibly make this piece of junk worth wasting two hours on.
It's not scary. It's not believable. It's not entertaining. It's not even smart enough to be called stupid.
The only possible thing to recommend "Volcano: Fire on the Mountain" would be its unintentional humor. Often, it's so bad it's funny.
Which isn't what the producers, actors or writers were going for.
NEW SHOW ON UPN: "Social Studies," a new sitcom about a co-ed boarding school, will debut on UPN/Ch. 14 on Tuesday, March 18, at 7:30 p.m.
The ensemble cast is headed by Julia Duffy ("Newhart"), who plays the rather severe headmistress.
The cast also includes Salt Lake native (and Hillcrest High graduate) Corbin Allred as one of the prep school students - a "fledgling young entrepreneur who can get his fellow students anything they want - for a price."