Why do so many movies treat me like a moron?
Before you offer the obvious answer, try perusing these examples of moron moments from current flicks:- A scene toward the end of "Addicted to Love" has Matthew Broderick flying from New York City to his Midwest hometown. He's trying to sleep on the plane, but he can't make his jacket into a comfortable pillow, having forgotten about the photographs in his pocket. After he looks at the photos, Broderick glances up at the plane's movie screen and begins watching the show - an episode of the old "Lassie" television program.
Why is he using his jacket as a pillow? Is this a pillowless economy flight?
But more importantly, what airline shows episodes of "Lassie" - a TV show that finished its run back in 1974? (My colleague Jeff Vice suggests "Anachronistic Airlines"!)
- The plot of "Father's Day" spins off of Nastassja Kinski telling two of her former lovers (Robin Williams and Billy Crystal) - from a decade-and-a-half earlier - that each is the father of her teenage son. Later, her explanation for having done so is that the boy ran away and her husband (revealed - surprise! - to actually be the boy's true father) wouldn't go after him.
If she's so concerned, why didn't she go after her son instead of tracking down and lying to two old boyfriends who've never even seen the boy?
- In "Albino Alligator," a trio of crooks kill several policemen, then hide out in a basement bar, taking the patrons hostage. The rest of the movie is cat-and-mouse decisionmaking, as they argue about whether to kill their hostages.
Why is it so easy to kill cops and so hard to kill barflies?
- You may remember the huge fuss made by the Mexican-American community when it was announced that Jennifer Lopez would star in the title role of "Selena." The complaint was that she shouldn't have the part because she is actually Puerto Rican.
Why isn't anyone upset about other ethnic crossover casting.
British actors, for example, continue to be play Americans! Englishman Ian Holm is an Irish-American cop in "Night Falls on Manhattan" and another Englishman, Gary Oldman, speaks with a Western twang in "The Fifth Element."
How about "Anaconda," with Jon Voight doing a weird accent (which sounds like a cajun doing Marlon Brando in "The Godfather") to play a native Brazilian.
What about Cuban actor Andy Garcia playing the role of an Irish-American in "Night Falls on Manhattan"?
Although, perhaps the lawyer community should be more upset about Garcia's character being a former cop who becomes a lawyer - and ultimately New York City's district attorney! (On second thought, maybe it's the cop community that should be upset about that one.)
- In "Breakdown," after his car stalls in the desert, Kurt Russell opts to stay with the vehicle so it won't be vandalized, while his wife (Kathleen Quinlan) goes off with a strange trucker to call for help.
Why is Russell more concerned about the safety of his car than the safety of his wife?
- In "The Saint," Elisabeth Shue looks in awe at Val Kilmer whenever they're together.
Since she's supposed to be a successful scientist, an independent woman of great intellect, why must she collapse into a puddle whenever Kilmer is around?
- At the beginning of "The Lost World: Jurassic Park," why doesn't Jeff Goldblum escort his daughter away from the compound where he's preparing to leave for dino island? Would any father - even one as neglectful as Goldblum claims to be - simply forget to say goodbye to his child, or just allow her to disappear before he leaves on an extended trip?
And why does anthropologist Julianne Moore touch one of the dinosaurs, and then yell at someone else for interfering with the island's natural ecological balance? (And why does she scream so much; is there a new Fay Wray Lung Workout Award at the Oscars next year?)
And late in the film, on board the ship, how does the T. rex kill the cabin crew without doing any serious damage to the cabin?
And why does Arliss Howard affect a bad English accent? I know he's supposed to be Richard Attenborough's nephew, but if Jeff Goldblum can have a black daughter, can't Howard be At-ten-borough's American nephew?
And . . . .
Oh, that's enough.
- LOGO LULU: In "The Lost World," the dinosaurs aren't the only new special effect.
How about that snazzy new logo Universal has tacked onto the front of the film?
It's a simpler and more colorful spinning globe than the previous version, and the running time is a few seconds shorter.
Very nice.
- SEQUEL STORY: Disney and Pixar are teaming up for a sequel to "Toy Story," and Tom Hanks and Tim Allen, who provided the voices for Woody and Buzz, respectively, have both reportedly signed on.
It will be a computer-animated sequel, of course, and promises to bring many more familiar toys to life. (Since Muppets are now under the Disney umbrella, do you suppose Tickle Me Elmo will make appearance?)
But it's coming to video, not the big screen.
Disney is really diving into the quick-and-dirty video business, having achieved success with straight-to-video sequels to the animated "Aladdin" and the live-action "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids."
Other upcoming video sequels include followups to "The Lion King" and "Beauty and the Beast."
Branching out a bit, there will also be many more Disney TV-movie sequels, such as "Angels in the End Zone" (a spinoff to "Angels in the Outfield," again with Christopher Lloyd), scheduled to be shown as part of ABC's "Wonderful World of Disney" program in the fall.
But don't think that leaves theatrical sequels and remakes out of the loop. Up this fall is a new version of "The Absent-Minded Professor" - that's the one where Fred MacMurray invented Flubber (flying rubber).
In the MacMurray role is Robin Williams.
- QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Sidney Lumet, 72-year-old writer-director of "Night Falls on Manhattan," as well as such earlier films as "Serpico," "The Verdict" and "Q&A":
"It's a peculiar time in movies. Things today seem kind of either art-house pictures or blowing up half the world. There's almost no middle-ground picture left anymore."
- QUOTE OF THE WEEK II: Tisha Campbell, of TV's "Martin" and the current film "Sprung":
"African-Americans don't support movies that don't have a lot of violence in them. It makes it harder for Rusty (Cundieff, writer-director-star of `Sprung') and people like him - John Singleton is another - to make movies about something other than that. So we have to support it. If we don't support these movies, like a `Rosewood' or a `love jones' . . . we won't get the money to make these films. A lot of times you hear African-Americans getting mad because they think white people see them in one way. But they're not supporting these films."