Question: I am a single father of an 8-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter. I have been divorced for 4 1/2 years and was a weekend dad until this year, when my ex-wife gave me the children.
My problem is that my son keeps asking me why his mom and I got divorced and if we will ever get back together. She left me for another woman, and I don't think it is my place to tell the kids that. I wouldn't tell them at this age, but even when they get older, I think their mother should be the one to explain it to them.How do I approach this subject with the kids when they get older and can really understand these issues? My son has already asked me what "homosexual" means. I think he is starting to figure his mom out but is afraid to talk about it.
I, being a devout Christian, believe this is a sin, and I am training the children within my Christian values and beliefs. My ex-wife says that she is OK and that she won't have to tell the kids, as it doesn't affect them. She says they will just know her as a person who loves all kinds of people.
I'm not a homophobe. I associate with several gay and lesbian people, and we get along fine. We understand each other's positions but respect each other as people first. What is right here?
Answer: Your ex-wife is in serious denial if she thinks that the children are not affected by her divorcing their father, giving them up and leading a lesbian lifestyle. Look at all the loss and confusion they must endure!
Dad, you can't wait. The kids need information now. Nature abhors a vacuum, and children are the same. What they aren't told they fill with their own fantasies and fears.
It is better for them to know the truth. However, it needs to be geared to their age and understanding and needs to be told in a way that doesn't threaten their own hopefulness for a future as a heterosexual, married person who can sustain an intact family.
It is better for you and your ex-wife to talk to them together, but if she refuses, you should do it alone. I think it is fair to explain that a very small number (this helps allay their likely fears of perhaps becoming gay) of both men and women feel drawn to someone of the same sex - and one of those is Mommy. Reassure them that this does not mean she doesn't love them. Tell them that parental love for a child is unaffected by a parent's homosexuality.
There might be questions about when she knew she was a lesbian and why she married if she knew. She's better suited to answer those sorts of questions herself.
The religious issues are important also. While you clearly will explain that within Christian teaching homosexuality is a sin and that you believe the behavior is therefore wrong, it is important to emphasize that it is God's venue to judge souls and that she's still their mommy who loves them very much.
I'm sure you don't want them to totally lose their mother and, while this is all painful and confusing, the most important thing is for the children not to feel abandoned.
Question: My parents are visiting from Europe for a couple of months. Yesterday I went into a store with them, and my 65-year-old father was caught shoplifting. It was the most embarrassing and frightening moment of my life. He had to go through all the procedures of filling out papers and agreeing to pay a fine to avoid a court action.
I have reprimanded my dad, and I know he is badly shaken up about the incident. He told me later that he is very repentant for his actions and asked my forgiveness. I am hoping be has learned his lesson.
I am too embarrassed to tell my husband about this. He is a man of good moral values and he would not take this matter lightly. My mom asked me not to say anything.
I do not want my husband to think I come from a family of thieves. I respect him so much, and I am afraid he will lose respect for me.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Answer: I'm in my own shoes, but I would tell my husband because I know that he judges me on my actions, not on the behavior of any of my ancestors.
I would tell him because I would receive comfort for my feelings and suggestions for dealing with my parents. I also know that if I asked him to let me handle it and not discuss it with my parents directly, he would respect my request.
Now . . . these are my shoes and my marriage. I'm worried that you underestimate your man and your marriage.