BY NOW I SUPPOSE you heard about that outrageous brawl that broke out between two marching bands during a college football game. Probably you had the same reaction as I did:
Hey, a step in the right direction!Let's face it, halftime could use the help. On an entertainment scale, halftime ranks somewhere between infomercials and hanging wallpaper. If halftime is so great, how come they never show it on TV?
After years of study conducted from press boxes around the country, I think I have discovered the chief flaw of halftime: Marching bands. (Parades suffer from the same fatal flaw.) Who voted and made marching bands your official halftime entertainment? Does anybody actually listen to marching band music? Do you know anyone who has purchased a CD of marching band tunes and grooves on it in his car?
What halftime needs is something else. Such as guitars. Or Stupid Pet Tricks.
Halftime is stuck in a time warp. I'm guessing that marching bands were hip at some time in history - but so were leisure suits. Whereas time has marched on elsewhere in the world, halftime is the same shtick it was 30 years ago.
I have noticed some disturbing marching band trends:
- What's the deal with those uniforms? They're due for a change - like yesterday. Most of them look like something out of George Washington's closet.
- Enough already with that jaunty little majorette guy (I think it's a guy) high-stepping across the field. Whose idea was this, Richard Simmons'?
- What's with the halftime spelling bee? Do bands spell things at halftime to show up the football team, because not only can they spell the school name correctly, but they can do it while playing clarinets? Talk about excitement.
- Marching bands subscribe to the theory of overkill. If you can play it once, you can play it a thousand times. Play it till it hurts. There is some sort of marching band law, for instance, that requires bands to play the Rocky Theme or "Be My Girl" at every halftime show.
On the other hand, they might be playing other songs and I wouldn't know it. Marching band music tends to sound the same. "Seventy Six Trombones" sounds identical to "Hey Jude." And when a band tries to do something hip, it comes off like the Boston Pops trying to do "Stairway to Heaven."
Does anyone actually watch halftime? Are there halftime afficionados? Halftime clubs? People who can't wait to get the football teams off the field so they can hear the Rocky Theme? Do they have their own magazine?
If the entire marching band marched onto the field wearing nothing but their tubas, nobody would notice. Halftime is time to get popcorn, go to the bathroom, visit your neighbor, look at the program. Nobody ever nudged you at halftime and said, "Hey, listen to this tune!" Or, "Hey, look, there's a fight in the tuba section; someone got knocked on his brass."
Halftime took on new meaning when Southern and Prairie View A&M played a game a few weeks ago. At halftime, the marching bands got into a fight. While fighting is not generally desired outside of hockey arenas, it was still a big improvement in halftime entertainment. I'll bet nobody went out for popcorn. Finally, a real Battle of the Bands.
Apparently, what happened, according to all the finger pointing, is that when the Prairie View band was done with its performance, the Southern Band pushed them off the field so they could begin their performance. Southern denies this. My guess is they heard the Rocky Theme one too many times and finally snapped. Even marching bands have their limits.
Anyway, the bands, raging as they are with testosterone, fought for 20 minutes! It lasted longer than Mike Tyson's last fight. It took sheriff's deputies and university police to break it up.
"This has never happened before," said Prairie View band director George Edwards.
I couldn't tell if he was disappointed.
It must have been a terrific fight. Four tubas were bent during the scuffle. They cost $5,000 each (they're made of gold?!). Uniforms and a saxophone were also reported missing. A few people were taken to the hospital, including a member of the Prairie View band who was hit in the face with a musical instrument.
Can a WWF act be far behind?
The conference suspended the marching bands for a couple of games, but this was way too lenient in my view. Clearly, marching bands are dangerous. They're a threat to themselves. Let's nip violence in the bud and put a stop to it now. It's for their own good. Honest. Tell them, thanks, we enjoyed the show, but maybe we'll try something else now after 75 years or whatever it is. We'll buy the CD.