Helping families face the numerous challenges of the 1990s, speakers at a Church Educational Symposium in the Bountiful Regional Center Oct. 17 provided answers for families that are found in the scriptures and modern revelation.
During the symposium, titled "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," speakers called the scriptures a member's best parenting manual, used music to promote service in the home and spoke of how to bring joy and peace into family relationships.Following are excerpts from some of the presentations.
- Douglas Brinley of the BYU Church History Department said that the world attributes most marital problems to lack of communication or skills. "Is it your feeling people have problems in marriage because they simply aren't skilled, or is it really a problem of attitude, hard heartedness, or selfishness or pride?" he asked.
Quoting "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," issued Sept. 23, 1995, by the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve, Brother Brinley said that successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of "faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."
"I am convinced," he said, "that our heart is the issue. Marriage is a profound commitment."
- Geri Brinley, a homemaker and wife of Brother Brinley, told those attending the symposium that the answers to any parent's problems or concerns can be found in the scriptures.
Recalling a time when her children were little and she had limited time to study the scriptures, Sister Brinley explained that while preparing a spiritual living lesson for Relief Society she learned the difference between reading the scriptures and searching the scriptures.
During subsequent years, she searched the scriptures, finding several parenting principles and applications that have helped her as a mother.
"It is up to the parents to teach their children, and we have wonderful help with that. Don't leave it to the Primary teacher, don't leave it to the neighbor, don't leave it to the school teacher. . . . You are always a teacher, make sure you are teaching the things you want them to know."
Listing some of the principles, Sister Brinley explained that parents are the spiritual leaders in the home (see 1 Ne. 1:1) and they must know their children as individuals (3 Ne. 26:9), children learn best through praise (3 Ne. 27:30) and that parents must set rules and allow natural consequences (1 Ne. 8:37-38).
"There isn't a problem or question we can't answer if we are willing to search the scriptures," said Sister Brinley.
- Through music, Duane and Sharon Hiatt and three of their children, reminded those attending the symposium to listen for the sounds in their home.
"What kind of words do we hear in our homes?" said Brother Hiatt, a BYU administrator and a former member of the LDS singing group the "Three Ds."
Brother Hiatt said one of the best compliments he ever received came from one of his daughter's former boyfriends, who said he liked the feeling in the Hiatt home. "The home may be a refuge from the storm and a place
where childrenT can come without criticism," said Brother Hiatt.
Together the family sang, "Love Is Spoken Here" and "Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words."
Noting that Church leaders have counseled the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother, Brother Hiatt also sang "Wind Beneath My Wings."
Brother Hiatt explained that he has a very rich family. "We have everything but money," he said. "We all know what a challenge it is to have children and how it takes dedication. Sometimes you have to postpone or even do without certain things."
- Thomas Holman of the BYU Family Sciences Department said the greatest source of understanding to how to treat one another is the scriptures. "The Lord has understood human relationships much, much longer than any of us," he said.
Brother Holman cautioned Church members against four negatives: criticism (attacking someone's personality or character), contempt (intentional insulting or name calling), defensiveness (feeling victimized by others in response to contempt) and stonewalling (withdrawing from interactions).
He explained that when members find themselves becoming critical, contemptuous or defensive or stonewalling on a regular basis, then they have a problem.
The Lord tells members in the scriptures, he said, that "we need to respond in love and kindness."
- Life is meant to be enjoyed, said Gary and Joy Lundberg, explaining that they have learned a few things while raising five children that may be helpful to others.
Brother Lundberg, a marriage and family counselor, noted that it is important in family relationships to validate another person's feelings, or "walk beside another person emotionally without changing his/her direction."
He noted that to validate another person one must: 1. listen by giving full attention, 2. listen to the emotions that are being expressed, 3. listen to the needs that are being expressed, and 4. understand from the other person's point of view.
Sister Lunberg, an author, songwriter and poet, reminded parents that as they let their children make their own decisions, "you find out that they are very good decision-makers."
Having someone who really cares and that will really listen, "makes all the difference in world" in family relationships, they said.