The difference between teasing and taunting is like the difference between kissing and spitting. The ingredients are the same; it is the emotion that determines whether it is pleasing or repellent.
Teasing is based on love or affection and taunting is based on - perhaps not hate, but at least annoyance and often worse. Therefore, teasing is not rude by definition, but taunting is.Miss Manners is the last person to suggest that anyone's behavior in this or any other matter be guided by instinct. She has seen what etiquette-free instinct prompts people to do to their families, not to mention to the rest of us who are only trying to cross the street.
But teasing is based on such intimate knowledge of the other person - not only that individual's foibles, but their particular sensitivities, humor and mood at the time - that she would have expected some help. Those who are authorized to tease certain people ought surely to have some feeling for how.
Silly Miss Manners.
So here is the way it works:
Both teasing and taunting depend for their subject matter on special observation of the person being teased. This is what gives them their power. Everyone wants to feel that his or her unique combination of qualities has not passed unnoticed in this world.
What makes this foolhardy is that everyone also expects, against all evidence and reason, that the natural outcome of close and accurate observation will be approval.
This is why people who get into trouble are quick to say that they have been misunderstood. We all feel that anyone who really understood us would be crazy with admiration. Make that adoration.
Nevertheless, a steady diet of straight compliments doesn't quite satisfy. We are awfully picky and want the admiration we excite to be laced with proof that we have been fully observed.
"You don't really know me!" is the way people respond to premature avowals of love, finding them more laughable than flattering. And taunts that miss the mark aren't deeply hurtful. Only ones that target weaknesses that are known to the person being taunted do that.
However, Miss Manners does not feel obliged to instruct unsuccessful taunters how to be effective. She prefers to save her assistance for helping teasers avoid delivering taunts. Proper teasing says, in effect, "I know all your little oddities and faults, but as they are part of what makes you special, I find them charming." Taunting, in contrast, makes only the harsh statement, "I have noticed what is wrong with you."
Therefore, the rules are:
- Teasing can only be about characteristics that are not a source of worry or shame. You might tease a young person about being absent-minded, but you would not tease an old person about memory loss.
- A cheerful and affectionate tone is required, to make it clear that there is no serious complaint involved. You don't tease someone about knuckle-cracking or leaving dishes in the sink if it makes you homicidal. You just ask or beg that it stop.
The desired effect is a look of pleasurable embarrassment, as if you administered a compliment. Anyone who doesn't stop teasing and immediately upon producing real embarrassment, anger or tears is not really teasing.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I are retired. We keep a squeegee in the shower stall which we use after each shower to prevent water spots on the clear glass enclosure and other shower surfaces.
My husband says that when we have overnight guests, we should remove the squeegee from the shower stall. He feels that guests should not be expected to squeegee down the shower stall and that having the squeegee in the shower implies that they are expected to use it. I disagree.
Gentle Reader: Your husband hasn't been retired long enough. Miss Manners is afraid that once he gets a chance to look around, he will notice that there is a laundry hamper somewhere near the guest room, which might seem to prompt the guests to take over laundry day and an assortment of soaps and sponges in the kitchen implying that they should start scrubbing.
There is no such implication in leaving cleaning materials where they might reasonably be used by those responsible for the house. Polite guests may reach for something anyway, simply because they like to clean up after themselves.