Until she heard of the popular new concept of fund raising on one's own behalf, Miss Manners knew of only a limited number of honest ways to obtain the wherewithal for living.
Unfortunately, the chief of these was to work for it. Or if you wanted to do it the hard way, you could marry it. If it would have you.Which of these methods you considered respectable and which shameful depended on the society from which you came. In aristocratic circles, working for money has been considered so extreme a measure as to taint entire families in which this degradation had occurred, even several generations earlier. However, marrying a fortune was considered so noble as to constitute a family duty.
The egalitarian ideal is that one should be ashamed not to do useful work even if one doesn't need the money, and be proud to marry only for love, even if the person happens to have pots of money.
That view has now spread to the Old World. The upper-class concept of commerce is no longer limited to the ancient practice of sneering at tradesmen who betray their vulgarity by trying to collect the money they are owed. In spite of the present hazard to tourists from countesses eager to help them shop and princes touting tours, Miss Manners considers this influence to be one of the United States' better cultural exports.
She also approved when kind people made an effort to convince the society that it was not shameful for those in need to accept assistance in the form of welfare, charity or individual donations from anyone who happened to be sympathetically aware of their misfortune. And surely it is not nice to monitor exactly how every penny of such money is spent, making already unfortunate people feel that they must be deprived of the smallest comforts.
Emergencies can happen to anyone, and compassionate people who help carry the desperate until things improve must be aware that they, too, could find themselves suddenly dependent.
It now appears that they may have done too good a job. With the stigma of accepting money all but removed and the definition of need generously expanded, all kinds of people are trumpeting their wants. One can hardly struggle through an honest day's work without being asked to contribute money to some-one richer than oneself.
Of course we all understand that no one can afford a political campaign, and that anyone could be hit with massive medical or legal bills. We understand that people who are just starting out in life don't have enough, and that those who have been at it for a while don't have enough to support the families from previous marriages.
We understand that they need to keep up appearances and morale, so we don't want to be petty about their patronizing nice shops and restaurants and taking vacations. And we don't want to cast blame, so we don't dwell on whether they acted on the principle of sharing with those in need before joining their ranks.
But sometimes we do secretly wonder why they don't just sell off that portrait Sargent did of Aunt Minnie when she was young and merrily tossing about the funds that ought to have been conserved for the future of the family. At least we can agree with them that she was too extravagant and now deserves to take her lumps.
Dear Miss Manners: My son, a senior in high school, has been visiting my work place since he was in fifth grade. I need to know what to do about graduation announcements for co-workers. Yes, no or maybe? I don't want anyone to feel pressured to give a gift; nor do I want them to feel slighted.
Gentle reader: Why people find it so hard to grasp that the purpose of announcements is to announce, Miss Manners has never understood. The name does provide a clue.
Announcements are not notifications of presents due, but neither are they party favors for those not invited to the party. Their job is to announce events to people who would be interested but otherwise unaware of them.
Miss Manners would be surprised if your co-workers had not heard that your son will be graduating from high school. If he didn't go bouncing around the office exclaiming it, surely you let it slip. So they don't need announcements.
What they might like - presuming your son didn't drive them crazy and that they took a benevolent interest in him - is the opportunity to say, "It's hard to imagine you're that grown-up already." He could provide this by visiting the office one more time to thank people for having put up with him and tell them that he will miss them.