Well, it's 2029 and the Utah Jazz and Chicago Bulls are back in the Finals. Sure, the Jazz have been a frequent visitor since they swept Chicago 31 years ago for the franchise's first title, but the Bulls haven't been back since '98.
Until now, that is. And that gets the old nostalgia bone quivering pretty good, now doesn't it?So let's take a few minutes and look back to that hallowed season, back when the World Basketball Association was still called the National Basketball Association. You know, before the league went glob-al.
Besides Utah legends Karl Malone and John Stockton, back then the NBA was ruled by players with names like Michael Jordan, Tim Duncan, Gary Payton and Shaqu-ille O'Neal. You probably remember hearing about Jordan, Duncan and Payton - those guys are Hall of Famers.
O'Neal? You can be forgiven for not recalling that guy. He had a few really good seasons, then ballooned to about 480 pounds and trundled off into hoops mediocrity. Had a limited following a few years later as the top pitch man for Smooshy Brand marshmallows, though. Remember this? "If it's sticky, not icky, it's gotta be a Smooshy!"
Anyway, the guys here at the office were sitting around trying to recall what happened to the members of the '98 Bulls. Jordan, he was easy. And Dennis Rodman - who could forget Buffgate! But the rest of the team? It took a little sweat and a whole lot of digging into public records, but here's what we came up with:
COACH PHIL JACKSON: Jackson quit the coaching business only minutes after the Jazz sweep, saying he'd had it with Jerrys Krause and Reinsdorf. He instead would walk the earth a la Caine in the old "Kung Fu" series. It took Jackson about, oh, four days of "living off as one with nature" to come crawling back to Bulls management asking for his old job. The two Jerrys just laughed in his face; they knew Mealticket Michael would be back - Phil or no Phil. Jackson ended up blowing all his money in the stock market and spent the remainder of his days in quiet contemplation as a "crew leader" at an Arby's in Deerfield, Ill. He passed away three years ago.
MICHAEL JORDAN: Still considered the third-best player in hoop history after Minnesota Timberwolves great Billy Bob Hornblatt (2002-2016) and Barcelona Jellyfish guard Koko Martini (2022-present), the league's first female MVP.
Promptly retired after losing to the Jazz in the '98 Finals, then unretired six months later when Spike Lee questioned his manhood in an article for the New Yorker. Re-retired in '99 and joined the Pro Bowlers Tour for three months, un-retired in the year 2000 after having what he described as a "Millennial Awakening." Retired again in 2001 (became world's tallest jockey), un-retired in 2002, retired in 2003 (pro pocket billiards), un-retired in 2004, retired once more two months later (world table tennis tour) and at the age of 65 presently remains in semi-permanent retirement at his Taj Mahal-style palace in Boca Raton, Fla.
TONI KUKOC: Left the NBA three years after the Jazz debacle. Became part-owner of the short-lived "Croatian Creations" juice restaurants. High-concept eateries never caught on in the U.S., most likely because of poor reviews of its signature menu item, the Cabbage Cooler.
LUC LONGLEY: Called the Forgotten Man for his role in the '98 Finals after he somehow got locked in a seldom-used walk-in refrigerator at the Delta Center before Game 1. Sadly, no one - not even his coach or teammates - noticed his absence until the series had been over for a week. The 7-2 center was finally discovered when the Bulls were cleaning out their United Center lockers. It seems that diminutive guard Steve Kerr couldn't quite reach his top shelf and said, "Hey, Luc, can you . . . Luc? Hey, guys, where's Luc?" Longley returned to live in his native Australia shortly thereafter, we think.
SCOTT BURRELL: Injury-plagued career continued for five years after '98, though the Bulls' swing-man played a total of only 62 games over that period because of various ailments. Career came to a halt in '03 after he tore both of his anterior cruciate ligaments during an intense game of locker room Twister during halftime of Bulls-Knicks game. Now lives life of luxury in Beverly Hills after securing a multimillion dollar settlement from toy giant Milton Bradley.
RON HARPER: Was booted out of the league in 2001 when he suddenly began to insist that all NBA players shave their heads to prevent the spread of "Cooties." Standoff hit boiling point when he broke into commissioner David Stern's home armed with a set of electric clippers. Has owned popular barber shop in Cleveland called "Egghead's" for the past 16 years.
SCOTTIE PIPPEN: After Jordan's second retirement, Pippen stunned the league when he signed an NBA-record 10-year, $200 million free-agent contract with the Los Angeles Clippers. Pippen played only one season in L.A. before retiring in disgust after GM Elgin Baylor tried to field a team consisting of Pippen and 11 of Baylor's closest relatives. Pippen has served as president and general manager of the WBA's Anchorage Iced Tea for the past eight years.
BILL WENNINGTON: The oldest player currently in the league at 66, Wennington has now played for every team in the WBA except the Hong Kong Ramen Noodles. Credits his amazing basketball longevity to the fact that he never crosses halfcourt.
STEVE KERR: Next to Jordan and Rodman, is probably the most well-known of the former Bulls. His transition from the hardwood to the silver screen began with the action-adventure "Kerr-nel of Truth" in 2004. Though the film was universally panned by the media, it led to a series of spinoffs ("Kerr-tain Call", "Kerr-dled Milk" and "12 O'clock Kerr-few," most notably) which were well-received in much of Europe, especially Germany.
JUD BUECHLER: Played in the league for three years after the Bulls lost to the Jazz in '98. Buechler then took over as coach of his college alma mater, the Arizona Wildcats, after Lute Olson was found alone in his home staring at a mirror repeating the phrase, "Lookin' good, Mr. Olson" over and over and over. Buechler led the 'Cats to NCAA titles in '11, '16, '17 and '25 before retiring last year. Olson, at 88, has enjoyed his stay at the House of Restful Pleasures in Phoenix for the past 26 years.
RANDY BROWN: Earned his place in the league record book in 2001 for going an entire season without scoring a point - despite playing in every game. Took his defense so seriously that he once continued to face-guard 76ers' Allen Iverson for three hours after their regular-season game ended. These days, Soldier of Fortune magazine aficionados can enlist Brown's "services" for an undisclosed fee - worldwide.
DICKIE SIMPKINS: Bulls attempted to trade this bench-warmer to the Sacramento Kings before the '99 season for two cases of ankle tape. The Kings voided the deal, however, when Simpkins let it slip that he had never actually touched a basketball. The 57-year-old Simpkins now owns a struggling chain of Carnival-style kissing booths called "Dickie's Hickies."
DENNIS RODMAN: Rodman's exploits are well-known, but for those readers who have spent the past 30 years living in a polar ice cave, we'll abridge them here one more time.
In 1996, the NBA's resident bad boy, wacko, whatever, told the world what he'd do when he decided it was time to hang it up.
"After my last game . . . I'll walk off the court and take off one piece of clothing with every step," Rodman said in his book "Bad As I Wanna Be." "Then I'll be at about midcourt, and I'll walk the rest of the way into the locker room nude. Nobody's ever done that before, and it can be my parting shot to the NBA."
Well, on Dec. 12, 2000, in the United Center - with commissioner David Stern in attendance - Rodman made good on his promise. Suffice to say that all heck broke loose, resulting in a near-riot, nine suspensions, 285 arrests, more than 700 injuries, almost $1 million in fines and a broken Jumbotron scoreboard.
After that day, Rodman retired and lived a relatively quiet life in Los Angeles until he caught the political bug. To this day we don't know what the voters were thinking, but Rodman's now on his third term as governor of California.