Of all the words in the English language, no woman can speak these two with a greater variety of emotion: my mother. At various times we are in awe, angered, amazed, disappointed, delighted and disgusted by that roller-coaster relationship between mother and daughter. While we may have great understanding and sympathy for other mothers and daughters, most of us are baffled by our own.
The best advice I know on maintaining a caring lifelong relationship is the seemingly simple one offered by Elizabeth Debold, Marie Wilson and Idelisse Malave in their book "Mother Daughter Revolution" (Addison-Wesley, 1993; $22.95). Their advice in a nutshell: Learn to listen."Listening," they explain, "means an awareness, an openness to learning something new about another person." Interrupting, even for clarification, can seem to be rude, but listening with the intent to learn is "an approach to a different type of conversation."
So many letters I receive are from mothers angry with unappreciative daughters and from daughters who resent mothers who seem without feeling for daughters who are having a more difficult time managing their lives than their mothers did at their ages.
Maybe listening is the beginning of the solution to this letter writer's problem:
Dear Lois: About a month ago my daughter asked if she could bring the children and bathe at my house because her water heater was broken. I said, "Sure. Come on." I had worked really hard that day, was extremely tired, and when my daughter came she decided to do her laundry. I had a load of clothes in the dryer; she took them out and threw them on the couch. I said, "Wow. This reminds me of the old days when you did that to me all the time."
She told me she didn't have to take that from me and promptly left. I haven't heard from her since, not even on Mother's Day. I have made no attempt to call her. My question is: Do you think I should give in and call her or just leave her be?
- Thank You
Dear Thank: I don't think it matters who "gives in." I'd rather see you give in than give up. Are you willing to give up your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren? I think not, or you wouldn't have written.
Make the phone call, and tell your daughter that your relationship is important, and you miss her. Be open and loving, ask about the children, but under no circumstances review the reasons for her leaving the house.
Then listen while she tells you what's bothering her. It could be marital, money, madness or none of those. Good luck, and this time really listen to her because it could keep your relationship out of hot wa-ter in the future.
Dear Lois: So YOUNG WIDOW can't meet eligible men? My answer is, "Change your attitude." I'm 66, and when I've dated women my age (reluctantly), all they want to talk about is their aches and pains or their grandkids. I'm out there exploring new ways to enjoy this one-time opportunity called life. Younger women 20 to 35 don't seem to have that hang-up. They're living in the world now and looking to the future. Older women can't seem to get out of the past.
- Paul
Dear Paul: YOUNG WIDOW's problem was that the only guys she could meet through responsible places (church, etc.) were your age. And she doesn't want an old guy any more than you want an old woman. I am printing your letter, however, because it might remind women your age that 60-something men are still looking for women who don't talk like 60-something women.