How do you offer condolences to a woman whose husband and their four children were killed in a plane crash? What do you say to a woman whose husband and six other family members died in a fire that swept through their home?
"Mother's faith is all that remains," was the headline the Idaho Statesman in Boise used in reporting the plane crash that took the lives of Lori Timothy Zenahlik's husband, William, and their children, Nathan, 18; Justin, 16; Briana, 14, and Demrie, 8, on March 2, 1998.Months earlier in Hawaii, Ke Alaka'i used the headline "Courage in adversity" to report on the grief Elaine Faumuina was enduring after a fire on Oct. 15, 1997, claimed the lives of her husband, Tolefoa Ululunu "Ulu," and six other family members: daughter, Ramona Valerie Asuao, 22; son, Taivaleoaana Kalanianaole "Kalani" Faumuina, 12; son-in-law, Alatupu "Tupu" Asuao, 31; and grandchildren, Alaitupu John Asuao "A.J.," 5, and twins Ramona Solele Vaelua and Sene Aotoa Asuao, 4.
Living thousands of miles apart, the two women had a common denominator, Gary C. Swensen. His wife, Irene, is Sister Zenahlik's aunt, and he is president of the California Santa Rosa Mission, where Sister Faumunia's son, Elder Don Faumuina, was serving at the time of the fire.
"We try to think of something to say that will bring comfort to people but we often are at a loss for words," Pres. Swensen told the Church News. "We want to say, `I know how you feel,' but there's no way we can say that to someone who has suffered the kind of loss that these two women have endured. I thought it would be a good idea for them to talk to each other because they really do know how the other feels."
When Elder Faumuina completed his mission on Aug. 18, Sister Faumuina flew to California. Pres. Swensen planned to arrange for her to talk on the telephone with his niece, but Sister Zenahlik decided she wanted to meet Sister Faumuina in person so she also traveled to Santa Rosa.
Even before they met at the mission home that day, the two women had been buoying each other up. "Elaine's son wrote to her and told her about the plane crash," Sister Zenahlik said. "She wrote to me and shared the experience of the loss of her husband, children and grandchildren.
"When we met in person, the minute I looked at her, I knew she knew my grief. I could see in her eyes the connection. I could tell that we have the same heartache, the same little bits of joy that come from time to time, that we know sad times. I knew she was a woman I could relate to. She lost her husband, a son, daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren. I lost my husband, two sons and two daughters, but I didn't lose grandchildren, except in the sense that I won't have them here.
"We both have learned so much. I'm grateful we met. Elaine gives me courage and strength. It's been 10 months for her since her loss and five months for me. When I feel like I can't bear things any longer, I think of her and say, `She's gone five months longer, so I can go five months more.' "
Sister Faumuina said that when she received her son's letter about the plane crash she wrote to Pres. Swensen and asked for Sister Zenahlik's address. "I felt that I should write and tell her about what I went through and then assure her that our families are in a better place," Sister Faumuina said. "I told her that we are fortunate to have the gospel in our lives, and that we can live through all this. Writing the letter was hard. It took me a whole week to write five or six pages because I tend to break down when it comes to memories of my family."
When the two women met at the mission home on Aug. 18, Pres. and Sister Swensen gave them a box of tissues and left them alone in a room. "I think we were meant to meet each other," Sister Faumuina said. "We've hugged. We've cried. We've talked and talked. And we've laughed."
Sister Zenahlik, who was born in Utah to Weldon and Darlene Nielson Timothy, lived 27 years in Arizona before moving to Idaho, where she is a member of the Meridian 19th Ward, Meridian Idaho East Stake. Sister Faumuina, born in Western Samoa to Lokeni and Ramona Siilata, is a member of the Kaimuki Ward, Honolulu Hawaii Stake.
Each woman found elements of courage and faith in the other. Sister Faumuina expressed sympathy in the fact that Sister Zenahlik lost her entire family. "I know it takes a lot of courage for her to go on," Sister Faumuina said, adding that she, herself, has four children left: two sons, Don, who was on a mission in California at the time of the fire, and Ulu Jr., 16, who was at home; and daughters Lagi, who was in Guam with her husband Joseph Poston, and Jane Faumuina, 18, who was in California.
"For a long time, I didn't want to live," Sister Faumuina said. Had it not been for a stranger who came to the house while it was burning, she said, she would have died with other family members.
Ulu Jr. discovered the fire and woke up his mother, who then woke up her husband and son, Kalani, and others in the house. Apparently, Kalani went back to sleep. Brother Faumuina got out of the house but returned to get other family members out. As smoke filled the house, Sister Faumuina went outside and around to a window, calling out for her daughter to hand out the children. "My daughter was yelling, `The children! The children!' " Sister Faumuina said. "The last words I heard my husband say were, `Elaine, the children! Elaine, the children!'
"I started to go back into the house, but a stranger grabbed me and held me back. After it was all over, there were many times I wished that that stranger had not come along, that I could have gone back into the house and died with the others. But, after a while, I realized that I had other family members to live for, that I still have two sons and two daughters. Lori doesn't have anyone."
Sister Zenahlik said that she understands Sister Faumunia's desire to have died with her family. "The only reason I was not on the plane that killed my family is because it had only five passenger seats. Many times, I've wished that the plane had had one more seat," Sister Zenahlik said.
Her tragedy occurred when a family friend, Jeffrey Johnson of Boise, Idaho, offered to take the Zenahliks on a sightseeing flight in a 1982 twin-engine plane. The pilot, classed as "expert," also was killed in the crash, leaving a widow, Debi, and two sons, Brandon, 11, and Christopher, 8.
Both Sister Zenahlik and Sister Faumuina know the deep sorrow that comes with not having the opportunity of saying "a proper goodbye" to their loved ones. However, Sister Zenahlik said she has no regrets regarding their last days and hours together, and that brings her a lot of comfort.
The Zenahlik family had lived in Idaho four years. "The accident took place on a Monday, our oldest son's 18th birthday," she recounted. "On the day before, Sunday, we went to Church and during testimony meeting I told each one of my family that I loved them. After Church, we did what we did every other Sunday. We spent the day together, playing games, wrestling around on the floor. I even have pictures of that. We did our standard of making brownies.
"I've learned one thing that I've told friends. I told them that regret is for people who never tried. We always tried as a family to spend time together and always say kind things. I taught my children that they should be each other's best friends because they would know each other longer than they would know any other person on earth, and that our families should be most important. The time we spent together was good and happy, so there weren't any regrets that we didn't live a happy life together."
The two women are using their own grief to help others. Sister Zenahlik said, "What we went through was so big and so tragic; all we could do was rely on our faith. We both believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ; we both know that we will be with our families again.
"I've been asked constantly to talk to youth groups, to let them know about my children, about how fragile life is and how important it is to make good choices, to not put off until tomorrow what you can do today. I also talk to people about families. I enjoy that. It brings me more comfort than it brings them. I walk away feeling better because I reaffirm to myself everything I believe in."
Sister Faumuina said that she finds herself observing families and sometimes offering advice. "I was in the grocery store one day and heard a couple arguing," she said. "I told them how much I would give if I could have my husband back, how important it is for couples to spend their time together speaking of their love for one another instead of arguing."
Sister Zenahlik and Sister Faumuina said they have a joint message for mothers and fathers everywhere.
Sister Zenahlik said: "I would tell them, `Take every second with your family. You don't know how long you will have them. Remember that the bedroom that's messy isn't important. The dirty dishes aren't important. It's the time you spend with your family that's important. Don't make that time be when you're nagging at them. Laugh with them. Enjoy every second you have with them. Our children and husbands are gifts. We don't know how long we'll have those gifts.'
"I would tell parents to make sure that they sit down with their children, take time out for family home evening and for just being with them. I would like two minutes - even just one minute - with each one of my family members. If I had just one more minute, I would tell them how much I love them." With her voice breaking in emotion, she said over and over, "Just one more minute, just one more minute. . . . "
Sister Faumuina added, "Life is too short to take things for granted."