Once each year those of us in the business of writing should allow those about whom we write to do the honors. While I would like to offer from my subjects the types of phrases and quotes that make me Gene Kelly to Fred Astaire -- "Watching him dance makes me feel as if we're all in the wrong profession," I can only declare that this year's word-smithing of the famous is more along the lines of beyond parody. Herewith the news makers' own words with full recognition.
Award for truly bad predictions to Bill Gates, "This antitrust thing will blow over."Tie for award on best assessment of Clinton scandal to David Letterman, "President Clinton should issue a formal apology to Ted Kennedy for giving philandering politicians everywhere a bad name," and Dick Armey, "If I were in his place, I would be looking up from a pool of blood and hearing my wife ask, 'How do I reload this thing?' "
Award for best reaction to the Clinton scandal to Gennifer Flowers, Clinton's former lover, "Doesn't that boy learn?"
Award for authority citation to Rep. John Conyers, who, when asked about the president's perjury, used the nation's highest source, a cartoonist, "Garry Trudeau dismissed that a few weeks ago."
Award for perspective on the White House scandal to Carol Mosley Braun, "Not so many years ago, a woman couldn't be a White House intern."
Award for root-cause analysis of the White House scandal to the Rev. Billy Graham, "I think the ladies just go wild over him."
Award for rationalization on the White House scandal to director Mike Nichols, "A passion for people is expressed sexually, too."
Award for best explanation for the close contact between Monica and Clinton is a tie. First, to William Ginsburg, "They were colleagues." So like, girlfriend, I'm all, that explains that Iraqi junk. Also to Hillary Rodham Clinton for "the vast right-wing conspiracy" and "They wouldn't do this if we were from some other state."
Award for quickest recognition of trouble to Katie Couric who, in her first interview with Ginsburg, interrupted with, "Well, with all due respect, what's your point?" Twelve months later and we still don't know.
Award for histrionics to Democrat election ads, "When you don't vote, you let another church explode. When you don't vote, you allow another cross to burn. When you don't vote, you let another assault wound a brother or a sister," and Alan Dershowitz, who really could use a little less Starbucks, for describing Republicans as "the forces of evil, evil, genuine evil."
The award on parenting advice to actress Sharon Stone, not yet a parent for, "I lost my virginity as a teenager, as I'm sure most of you did. If you truly love your children, keep a supply of condoms in your home and keep enough that you're not judgmental."
Award for faux pas of the year to Maria Shriver who, while touring the Thomas Edison museum with Hillary Clinton, pointed to a cot in Edison's lab and said, "You ever wanted to put one of those in the Oval Office?"
Award given by toddlers for best excuse for something going terribly wrong when you're around to Jeremy Roenick, a member of the U.S. Olympic Hockey team, who offered this explanation for the destruction in their rooms at the '98 Winter Olympics, "We were sitting around playing cards and chairs would break beneath us."
Award for the quote that reveals the most attitude to Maureen Dowd, "I must admit that it is amusing to think of the prissy independent counsel, who still reads the Bible." The operative word is still. Imagine, at his age, and in these times, reading such trash.
The Et tu, Brute! award to Chastity Bono for her explanation of Ellen DeGeneres' failed TV sitcom, "Ellen was too gay."
Award for most missed source of quotes to Francis Albert Sinatra for gems such as, "An audience is like a broad. If you're indifferent, Endsville."
Award for overstatement to John Travolta for his observations on making "Grease," "I felt we were releasing a classic." Can the Cliff's Notes be far behind?
Award for the most overused phrases (attribution to any Democrat, Mike McCurry, or man-on-the-street interview), "$40 million and four years spent on this investigation," "just about sex," and "get back to work for the American people."
For the all-around quote of the year, I thought of William Ginsburg, "I kissed that girl's inner thighs when she was 6 days old," or Pete Rose's advice to young boys, "Pay your taxes, by the way," or NBA Commissioner David Stern, "You cannot strike your boss and still hold your job," or Kathleen Willey on why she didn't take up candidate Clinton on his request that she bring treatment for his cold to his hotel room, "Because my instincts told me he wasn't interested in chicken soup."
And the winner is, "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."
Marianne M. Jennings is a professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University. Her e-mail address is mmjdiary@aol.com