As an action-movie hero, Arnold Schwarzenegger has stopped everything from killer automatons to alien big-game hunters. But even he can't stop the cinematic trainwreck that is "End of Days" from jumping off the tracks in a hurry.
Actually, Ah-nult is a major reason for the miserable failure of this occult-based horror-thriller. He makes such a dispassionate, even boring, lead that you may find yourself rooting for the film's villain to win. Considering that the heavy is the embodiment of Satan, that's not exactly encouraging.
Of course, faulting only Schwarzenegger for this violent and bloody mess wouldn't be quite accurate either.
Director Peter Hyams, who was brought aboard after the original director quit due to "artistic differences," never really establishes a consistent tone. Consequently, "End of Days" veers uncomfortably between horror and action, never really doing either convincingly enough to justify two hours worth.
And then there's the downright ludicrous casting of Schwarzenegger as Jericho Cane, an alcoholic ex-cop working in the security industry. Still mourning the deaths of his wife and daughter, Jericho is seriously contemplating suicide until he discovers a reason to live.
That reason? Jericho and his partner Chicago (Kevin Pollak) have stumbled onto a bizarre Satanic conspiracy that could usher in the true Millennium.
To be more specific, Satan has possessed a Wall Street businessman (Gabriel Byrne) and is in search of a "bride." His target is Christine York (Robin Tunney), a young woman prophesied to bear him a child. And if that happens before the end of the year, it will usher in his reign on Earth.
So it becomes a race against time, as Jericho and Chicago try to keep Satan from reaching (and impregnating) the girl and save all mankind in the process.
Frankly, the whole plot sounds like high camp. But Hyams ("The Relic") and screenwriter Andrew Marlowe treat the material in a very straight-faced fashion, and the few attempts at humor (including some awful one-liners from Schwarzenegger) are dreadful.
And in an apparent effort to make up for the lame script, Hyams overloads the film with action sequences that aren't particularly thrilling, horrific scenes that aren't very scary and dramatic moments (including one with Schwarzenegger crying!) that aren't even slightly moving.
Compounding that problem is the cast. Schwarzenegger is at his most detached here (he almost makes his "Terminator" character seem warm and fuzzy by comparison), as is the painfully self-conscious Tunney.
In fact, of the bunch, only Byrne seems to be having any fun. But as mentioned, he's supposed to be the villain of the piece.
"End of Days" is rated R for extensive violence (including vicious beatings, gunplay and explosive mayhem), graphic gore, considerable profanity, a graphic simulated sex scene , female nudity and use of crude sexual slang terms.