When Lloyd Newell was a boy, he and his six brothers and sisters went up the canyon each year with their dad to cut firewood. They didn't think much about it at the time; it was just something they did. "But now that my father's passed away, whenever we get together, that's one thing we talk about," Newell says.
Though they didn't call it that at the time, that outing was an important Newell family tradition. And that's the thing about family traditions, he says: Sometimes you don't know how much they mean until a long time after, but the meaning always goes far beyond the actual event or happening. "That was a chance for us all to be together."It doesn't matter what the traditions are, says Newell, an associate faculty member of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University. What's important is that families have them. Traditions, he says, are one of the most important factors in building family strength and unity.
The word itself comes from the Latin term "tradere," which means "to hand over." Traditions hand over memories and knowledge from one generation to another, building the bonds of a common heritage. And in today's crazy, high-tech world, they seem more important and more popular than ever.
A national survey conducted by Roper Starch Worldwide for the Boston Market chain, for example, found that most Americans say celebrating family traditions at the holidays and during the rest of the year is more important than ever, with 41 percent saying they place even more emphasis on traditions than their parents did. Some 87 percent of those surveyed feel that traditions should be passed down through generations, but 77 percent also say it is important to create your own traditions.
When asked about new traditions, those surveyed talked about celebrations they've created for events such as the last day of school, a good report card, the opening of fishing season, the anniversary of retirement, the last day of winter, the first day of summer and even a full moon. But not surprisingly, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah are the times when most Americans (94 percent) adhere to family traditions.
These holidays give us some built-in opportunities for traditions, which are often designed around customary events such as meals, decorating, gift-giving, religious observances and the like. What makes something a tradition, says Newell, is not only that it is repeated but that it would be missed if it didn't happen.
As part of research for his doctoral dissertation in 1997-98, Newell conducted interviews with 28 families in Chicago, Salt Lake City and Baton Rouge. Participants included one, two and three generations, and were white, black, Hispanic, Cajun, Israeli and Pakistani. They came from many faiths: Roman Catholic, Islam, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Judaism, Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian churches.
Amid all that diversity, some universal truths about family traditions emerged, says Newell. "Family traditions and rituals are powerful, significant aspects of family life."
Glue, cement, mortar, anchor -- the words most often used to describe the role of traditions seem to be binding words. This is what traditions do for families. And through his research, Newell identified five specific ways that traditions impact family life.
1. Traditions are a source of strength. "The most frequent comment about traditions, from every family interviewed, was that they strengthen and sustain family life," says Newell. Over and over again, families talked about how traditions made them feel safe and secure. Traditions brought joy and happiness, but they were also important during times of difficulty. At times involving a death or illness or other tragedy, traditions are, as one woman said, "just like a wonderful cocoon that you feel wrapped up in and comforted by. Traditions help you know that life goes on."
Other research supports this notion of family strength, says Newell. A study involving alcoholics found that alcoholism was least likely to be transmitted to the next generation in families that maintained strong traditions. "In the same way, diabetic children whose families maintained regular routines and had regular traditions had fewer behavioral problems than diabetic children who lacked those benefits. And a study of North Dakota and Nebraska families found that the strongest families have the highest frequency of family rituals or traditions." (Researchers, he says, often talk of rituals, but families themselves tend to talk of traditions; they are essentially the same thing.)
2. Traditions are a source of identity. In families with lots of traditions, family members develop a sense of shared values and of belonging. "Traditions tell them 'this is who we are; this is what we do; this is how we may be different from other people.' Traditions help preserve the family's story," says Newell. The traditions that create this sense of identity are often the memories that start "we always went to . . . or we always did. . . ." And these are often the traditions that are repeated by grown children with their families.
3. Traditions connect generations. "Like treasured family heirlooms, family traditions help beliefs and practices span generations," says Newell. They build bridges; they connect. Family after family, he says, told him how gratifying it was for parents and grandparents to see their children and grandchildren continue with some of the same family traditions. "One mother told me about a bedtime song that her father sang to her every night. She now sings it to her children. One time her father called just as they were singing the song and they held out the phone and all sang the song together. That was a touching moment for them all." Another father told Newell how he views traditions as a "perpetuation of what we believe to be good and wholesome and worthwhile and necessary. It's keeping a good thing going."
Traditions can help connect in other ways. Because Newell's father has passed away, his children only know this grandfather through the stories they tell. "We visit his grave on a regular basis and talk about him. Once in school, my 6-year-old daughter had to write about what she liked to do with her grandfather. She said she likes to go to his grave and talk. She knows him because of this tradition."
4. Traditions allow families to examine themselves and their culture. Traditions should not be continued just for tradition's sake, but because they have meaning, says Newell. And from time to time families may need to take a look at what they are doing and how it is working. "Traditions can help you take the pulse of the family, help you see where you are headed and what you need to work on. They help you create a family code, a system of beliefs and definitions that can be used to guide the family inside and outside the home."
However, it is possible to become "over-ritualized. You need a healthy balance. You need to do what works for your family." But his sense is, he says, that most families could use more positive, meaningful traditions.
5. Traditions are a source of faith and meaning. In nearly every interview he conducted, Newell said, a connection between faith and traditions became apparent. "Families saw their faith as an important element in why they had traditions, how they structured them, or what they expected to derive from keeping most traditions." Many traditions are specifically tied to religious observances -- such as Christmas, Hanukkah or Easter. Some involve weddings or funerals that also involve expressions of belief. But even those that don't tie directly to religion can be faith-promoting, Newell says. "Traditions help promote moral values, reinforce what the family believes."
Newell started investigating traditions as part of a larger look at what builds strong families. The more he read about strong families, the more he realized the important role traditions play in developing that strength. And what's great about them, he says, is that they don't have to be elaborate or expensive. "Even mundane activities can be so rich."
The Newells have four children, and their family traditions range from raking leaves together every fall to reading stories together at night. For Christmas, they always go decorate Lloyd Newell's mother's house. And after Christmas, they always go out and buy a Christmas ornament for each child. "They are always so excited when they get those ornaments out each year." Twice a week, he takes his daughter to school and each time he asks three important questions. "This has become a tradition, and if I forget the questions, she will say, 'Dad, you didn't ask.' So even though they are always the same, it means something to her."
These are the kinds of things he hopes his children will look back and remember with fondness, will talk about someday, will maybe even do with their children. That, he says, would be his "greatest compliment as a father."
Traditions, he says, truly are the heart of the family.