Go ahead and celebrate the retirement of Charles Barkley, as some are doing. Just don't complain when things get too quiet and routine in the sports world.
Who's going to provide the wit in the locker room? Shaquille O'Neal? Pa-lease! His second language is English. His first one is Mumble.John Stockton? He's hiding in the training room.
Alonzo Mourning? Too surly. Tim Duncan? Too dull. He's a cliche festival.
Who's going to give us a clever quote or speak something other than Coachese the next time he gets asked a question? Who's going to do something outrageous? The sports world is crying for more characters. Colorful guys. Guys like Barkley. Name another guy who had a book devoted entirely to a listing of his best quotes.
Roll the highlight tape, please. Yo, Charles, what do you think of Armon Gilliam? " . . . a waste of 6-foot-8 inches."
Wasn't that much better than saying, "He's a competitor."
Say, Charles, how would you describe Danny Schayes and Joe Kleine, your old teammates? "Dumb and dumber."
I can just hear someone else saying, "They're role players who come to play."
Once Charles was asked what it would mean for him to play with Rick Mahorn, and he said, "It means people will be able to see that I don't have the biggest butt in the league."
Man, I loved that guy. He shot from the hip with his lip.
My all-time favorite quote from Charles occurred when he was watching a game in street clothes while recovering from an injury. At some point during the game, he turned to press row and asked, "Are the games this boring when I'm playing?"
We're going to miss him. Now that Charles is gone, where does that leave us? At the mercy of robots who spiel out words they learned in Athletic Cliches 101. They can recite them in their sleep. Any sentence that comes out of their mouths contains any or all of the following words: "110 percent," "one game at a time," "on any given day," "focus," "step up," "execute."
Give me Charles any day. When he came to town, you almost always were guaranteed of something fresh. Something he actually thought of himself. Something original. Charles didn't just hit the auto-quote button when it was time to talk. He never gave the company line. He said what was on his mind, for better or worse. He couldn't help himself.
Remember what Charles said when someone asked if he regretted tossing that loud-mouth barfly out the window? "I regret we weren't on a higher floor."
You had to appreciate such fearless, unrepentant honesty. The media did. There were five players from the original Dream Team playing in the 1997 Western Conference Finals between Utah and Houston, but Charles was the only one to get his own press conference after Game 1. During interviews on the off-day, Hakeem Olajuwon and Clyde Drexler sat on the floor all by themselves, ignored. Barkley was surrounded by reporters, four-deep.
Maybe you didn't always agree with him -- he could be mean, egotistical and vulgar -- but no one could say he wasn't clever and bright.
A few other favorites:
"Whatever I am when it's time to play, that's my playing weight," he said.
"I get paid to score and rebound," he once said. "I'll need another $1 million to play defense."
"I don't hate anyone, at least not for more than 48 minutes, barring overtime."
"Kids are great . . . It's a shame that they have to grow up and be regular people and come to games and call you names."
His tongue was usually quicker than his feet (probably because it didn't have to support his behind). A few years ago a fan yelled to Charles that he would never get a championship ring. Charles didn't miss a beat: "Yeah, but I've got $20 million."
After supporting Bush's election campaign, Barkley noted, "My family got all over me because they said Bush is only for the rich people. Then I reminded them, 'Hey, I'm rich.' "
Former 76ers owner Harold Katz used to say that Magic Johnson made his teammates better, implying that Barkley didn't do the same for the Sixers. "I wish I had to make James Worthy better," Barkley replied. "I've got to make Shelton Jones better. Poor Magic. He's got to make Michael Cooper better. He's got to make Kareem (Abdul-Jabbar) better. He's got to make James Worthy better."
Charles didn't take himself or the game too seriously (which undoubtedly hindered his performance -- did you see his waistline?). He thought about things and talked about them. He was famous for saying he was not a role model and that the responsibility for children's behavior belonged to their parents.
But above all, Charles was fun most of the time. After missing a free throw earlier this season, he spit out his mouthpiece in disgust, stomped on it, picked it up and put it back in his mouth. Who else would do that?
We're going to miss Charles.