It must be nice to be Rob Schneider, working in an industry that rewards you for who you know rather than any actual talent.
Schneider has been riding the coattails of his former "Saturday Night Live" co-star Adam Sandler for years, resulting in a series of awful supporting roles in his buddy's movies.
But he must have cashed in all his pal-of-Sandler points to get "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" made.
Schneider's big "debut" as a star and screenwriter, this unbelievably unfunny and tasteless comedy is way too late to be capitalizing on the success of the "Ace Ventura" movies. And it's much too mean-spirited to qualify as a "There's Something About Mary" knock-off.
Of course, the real problem here is Schneider, who isn't nearly charismatic enough to carry a film by himself. He stars as the title character, a fish-tank cleaner whose career is failing and whose romantic relationships are even sorrier.
Somehow, the naive clod does luck into a prime gig, however. One of his clients, high-priced gigolo Antoine (Oded Fehr, from "The Mummy"), asks Deuce to house-sit for him — as well as nurse his prized tropical fish.
However, even that quickly goes bad for Deuce, who destroys most of Antoine's plush Malibu apartment, including his custom-made, $6,000 aquarium.
Fearing reprisals from the hot-tempered escort, the strapped-for-cash Deuce tries to come up with money for repairs. But his only realistic option seems to be hiring out his unique "services."
But even that plan isn't without perils. Deuce is being harassed by a nosy detective (William Forsythe) and also has to deal with narcoleptic and morbidly obese "clients," though he finds himself falling for one of them, the beautiful Kate (Arija Bareikis).
The film's emphasis on crude humor is bad enough, but when it tries to make up for it with cloying, insincere sweetness toward the end, that only makes things worse.
It doesn't help that Mike Mitchell, directing his first feature, has no sense of comic timing, as demonstrated by the many gags that fall flat.
Of course, it wasn't a very smart move to have the charisma-less Schneider as the film's lead, either. As Deuce, he's neither sympathetic nor interesting enough to base an entire film around.
And frankly, the supporting cast looks embarrassed to be seen with him, though their performances are almost as bad as his (charming newcomer Bareikis and Richard Riehle, playing Deuce's father, excepted).
"Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" is rated R for a steady stream of vulgar jokes and sight gags (both sexual and scatological), violent fighting (done in slapstick style), scattered profanities, male nudity (including Schneider) and simulated sex (mostly overheard).