Language is man's crowning achievement. It amazes me that I can say, "Please pass the salt," and somebody actually does. Still I think we'd all agree that words have different meanings to different people, occasionally resulting in confusion, loopholes or worse.
For example, the dictionary defines charming as "extremely pleasing or delightful," but to most real estate agents, it obviously means "a roof over your head." And according to Webster's, extra means "more than is due, usual, or necessary," yet when purchasing a new car, it seemingly refers to "air-conditioning, tires and a back seat."This phenomenon came to light most obviously during the recent debacle on Capitol Hill involving President Clinton vs. The Men in Black Suits. Unfortunately, my son Zack has a nose for news and followed the tawdry proceedings pretty carefully. The end result is that he now feels quite justified to stretch the language a tad every now and then. After all, "the president did it!"
This tendency was highlighted last week by a disturbing phone call from our son's elementary school principal. She said suspension was the likely punishment for an obscenity Zack had allegedly uttered on the school bus.
Upon hanging up the phone, I immediately had two questions: What was my son doing on a school bus since we live a block away from school, and doesn't suspension punish the parents more than the child? (In fact, don't most kids welcome a couple of days off from school?) I decided those issues could wait and instead tackled the problem at hand. The word in question was "slut."
Wanting to be sure of its true meaning, I looked it up in the dictionary and learned that it refers to "a slovenly or lewd woman."
"Is that what you meant?" I asked Zack, hurriedly hanging a bare light bulb over his head in anticipation of a lengthy interrogation.
"That depends on your definition of "meant."
"Very funny. What did you intend to call her?"
"I never called her anything! Bruce said it," he insisted.
"Well, then, what do you think Bruce meant?"
"Probably that she was dumb. He thinks all girls are dumb."
Ultimately Zack was acquitted. But it got me thinking about how the wrong word can really make a mess. If Bruce had called the girl dumb, his true intention, would anyone have cared?
Some words are best left unsaid, as a recent brouhaha in Washington, D.C., illustrated a few weeks ago. It seems an aide to the newly elected black mayor had used the word niggardly in conversation with a black colleague. Though niggardly is actually of Swedish origin and means miserly or begrudging, the listener mistook it for a racial slur and was deeply offended.
The aide, a white man, then felt compelled to hand in his resignation, which the mayor readily accepted. Suddenly the gay activists were in an uproar, since the aide is gay.
Now there's a word to avoid. Once innocuous, gay meant "keenly alive and exuberant," bringing to mind a skating party in an Edith Wharton novel, complete with brightly colored scarves billowing in the wind and ruddy cheeks aglow.
Not anymore. The modern definition allows someone like Ellen DeGeneres, a mediocre talent at best, to expand her audience simply by proclaiming that she likes girls better than boys. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT! Some of my best friends are gay, and I respect their right to live as they wish. But it is a word that's been taken over, if you will, by the homosexual community.
There's another verbal peculiarity. I said, "If you will," and apparently you did. At least I think you did.
What exactly does "if you will" mean? It's currently popular among the talking-head set, so I guess it's quite intellectual and downright highbrow. But if you ask me, the only correct usage is along the lines of, "Please pass the salt, if you will."
Of course, nobody asked me.