This week's funniest, most clever satire comes from a show that might surprise you -- the venerable "Diagnosis Murder" (8 p.m., Ch. 2).
Yes, indeed, Dick Van Dyke and company turn in a delightful two-hour episode that makes fun of its own medium, the wacky world of network television. And it bites the hand that feeds it rather hard.The show mocks the Fox network, its own network (CBS), NBC, UPN, reality specials, magic specials, movie studios -- and even itself.
Part of the plot has to do with a fictional series loosely based on Dr. Mark Sloan (Van Dyke) -- but on TV he is "Dr. Danger," a handsome young actor (Billy Warlock of "General Hospital") who carries a badge and a gun.
"That show is mindless. It's superficial. It glorifies violence and demeans sex," Mark tells the producer.
"And that's exactly why MBC is putting 'Dr. Danger' on at 9 opposite the hit sitcoms on UBC and the freak-show specials on the Pox network," says producer Jackson Burley, played by real-life producer Stephen J. Cannell.
Ah, those freak-show specials on Pox . . . er, Fox, come in for some particularly hard ribbing. (The fact that reality specials and Masked Magician specials did so much damage to "Diagnosis Murder" in the ratings is no coincidence. See the accompanying box.)
Among the Pox network series or specials mentioned in "Diagnosis Murder" are "Maimings, Massacres and Practical Jokes," "Red Asphalt: America's Bloodiest Car Accidents," "Fatal Facelifts: When Plastic Surgery Goes Wrong, Wrong, Wrong" and "Celebrity Autopsies."
It's both funny and tragic that the fictional promo for one of those shows sounds so real: "A bloodshedding collision that killed a family of three and their adorable dog. All this on tonight's premiere of 'Red Asphalt.' "
The plot of the episode, written by producers Lee Goldberg, David Bennett Carren and J. Larry Carroll, is almost irrelevant. It involves the battle among the networks for ratings on Thursday nights -- the night "Diagnosis Murder" airs, not coincidentally.
"MBC's putting us on Thursdays at (8)," Burley says at one point.
"That's the worst time slot on television!" Jesse (Charlie Schlatter) exclaims.
That battle for ratings turns deadly, and among the victims is the Masked Magician himself -- Val Valentino. You know, the guy who starred in all those Fox specials that revealed the secrets behind the illusions.
In "Murder," he insists on revealing his true identity.
"My show's about revealing secrets. If I don't do this, I'm a hypocrite and a fraud," he says.
"Of course you are!" exclaims his producer. "You're on TV. That's what people expect you to be."
There's stunt casting galore, including Wally and the Beaver (Tony Dow and Jerry Mathers) as rival network executives; Pat Harrington ("One Day at a Time") as the evil head of a conglomerate that takes over the GBS network; Gary Sandy ("WKRP in Cincinnati") as his henchman; Danny Bonaduce ("The Partridge Family") as another network executive; and Robert Ito ("Quincy") as the host of "When Operations Go Bad."
Cannell is a hoot, though, as the wacked-out producer. You've got to love it when he says, "How many car crashes can you watch before you're sick of them? That's what happened to 'The A-Team.' "
(Cannell produced "The A-Team.")
And, while the show drags a bit in its second hour, it's still chock-full of great stuff. It mocks Hollywood publicists, as when a producer thanks Mark for "exposing my publicist as a murderer and a sabateur. Boy, you'd think with those skills she would've been better at her job."
Of course, the whole episode is sort of sad, because "Diagnosis Murder" itself is in serious danger of cancellation. A lot of people watch it -- it's in the top 30 overall -- but most of those viewers are over the age of 50, a demographic advertisers shun. (The show is 112th among viewers 18-49.)
"You know, it's sad what's happened to television. These days, it's all about ratings," Mark says at one point.
And it's hard to argue with the character in this exchange:
"Do you know what audiences are looking for today?" Burley asks.
"Their remotes?" Mark replies.