Dear Miss Manners: Two years ago, after a long marriage, I separated from my husband, who had been a prominent local politician. That's the good news; the bad news is social.
I thought I had lots of friends and would go on socializing as before, but it seems that the situation is much grimmer than I could have realized. The pattern goes like this:I invite friends, usually three couples, or two couples and a single or two, to dinner at my home. Everyone accepts with alacrity, and my dinner parties are lively and convivial; people tend to linger long past their bedtimes. But, except in a very few cases, it is a different story when it is their turn to entertain me.
As a couple, we were always invited to dinner parties along with other couples. But as a single woman . . . ?
Some never return the hospitality, so scratch them. One or two couples invite me to their home -- as their sole guest. Others meet me at a restaurant and there, too, it is just the three of us, the "evening" is over in 1 1/2 to 2 hours, and I am pointedly not invited into their home.
In one insulting incident, my host excused himself at 8:30 because he had a date to play cards.
My adult children find all this astonishing and claim it is a generational thing (I am 59); their generation doesn't distinguish between couples and singles. I am getting so depressed about the whole thing that I am thinking of becoming a recluse. What is your opinion? Any suggestions?
Gentle Reader: Yes. It is time to join the next generation.
If you entertain younger people, they won't invite you back, either, but at least it won't be because you are single. Their excuse will be that they don't have the time to entertain, that they can't do it as well as you do, or that it seemed the natural order of things was for you to do the work and them to be the guests.
Miss Manners doesn't care for any excuse that nullifies reciprocity, but she might even grudgingly prefer people who skip this obligation entirely -- dreadful as it is to be always on the take -- to those who understand the obligation but do only their minimum because their guest is single.
The fact remains that fewer people now entertain at home, and the person who does is at least popular, if not fully appreciated.
Unfortunate as it is that people take advantage of their hosts, this does create an opportunity for those who are re-establishing themselves socially after such a change as a divorce. Miss Manners is always urging those who feel isolated to make the effort to create social centers for others.
She urges you to keep at it, rather than to cut off all those unresponsive people. Drop the most blatant ones, and make yourself feel better by feeling free to ask trivial favors of friends who are in your debt.
Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions except through this column. Judith Martin Dist. by United Feature Syndicate Inc.