As long as there have been schoolyards, there have been schoolyard bullies.
But excessive teasing can be traumatic for kids, and adults who brush it off as just "one of those things" may be contributing to the problem, say professionals who work with and study children."I think kids who are teased feel extra helpless, because not only are they in a humiliating situation, but often the adults they turn to just roll their eyes and see them as perennial victims," says Rebecca Coffey, author of "Unspeakable Truths and Happy Endings: Human Cruelty and the New Trauma Therapy."
"And a whining kid becomes a kid who is difficult to love," she adds, "which leaves a child isolated at a time when he needs support the most. If he finds a gun, that might make him feel more powerful."
Stories about Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, the Columbine High School gunmen, note that the two were harassed repeatedly by classmates. A long-brewing sense of powerlessness may have contributed to their vicious outburst.
Although the Colorado killings are an extreme example, the toll that excessive teasing takes on children every day often goes unnoticed by adults.
"As many as 7 percent of American eighth-graders stay at home once a month because of bullies at school," says Dr. David Welsh, quoting a recent study.
One of the insidious aspects of teasing is the wider circle of alienation it creates around the victim, says Welsh, a Fort Worth child psychologist.
"Someone is identified as a victim, and now people, the neutral bystanders, begin to pull back from this victim," he suggests. "They don't want to stand up (to the bully) because they don't want to be the victim next time."
To add to the problem, kids who are teased often don't want adults to step in on their behalf.
"I've learned it's not at all helpful when people try to fix things for (the child being teased)," says Coffey, who advocates "supportive listening" by adults and action by kids who are neither the victim nor the victimizer.
"If a parent can say, 'Wow, that must feel awful,' that's wonderful," she notes. And kids who see an ugly situation should be encouraged to "share a kind word later" with the peer being abused or talk to a teacher about the situation. "Know that it's OK to help an underdog and you don't have to risk much to do it."
Of course, there are times when adult intervention is necessary, says Rebecca Edwards, a community educator with the Parenting Center in Fort Worth.
When Edwards' daughter was the target of a group of bullies in a class, she pointed out the conflict to her daughter's teacher. As a result, the teacher "was more aware of it and she was able to intervene and get the pattern stopped," Edwards says. She has also read the Bill Cosby book, "The Meanest Thing to Say," with both her children.
But kids who are teased aren't the only ones in need of help, Edwards adds.
"We need to get the bullies some help because (that behavior) doesn't go away. It often escalates," she says. "When we were growing up, our parents told us to 'Just punch them' or 'Don't respond,' and that actually might help your child, but it's not helping that bully. They're going to go find another child to pick on."
Welsh and Coffey both say schools could help by adding social skills training to the curriculum. "Childhood is a time of learning to belong to groups, and some kids don't pick that up," Coffey notes. "We need to help them."
But more important, Welsh says, it's up to parents to raise compassionate, caring kids.
"Why don't we pay very close attention and notice how easily and carelessly we put people down and make fun of other's misfortunes," he says. "We need to become more aware of the example we're setting for our children."
WHERE TO TURN FOR HELP
Coffey suggests contacting any of these three organizations, which provide conflict-resolution help to schools and parents:
Educators for Social Responsibility
23 Garden St., Cambridge, MA 02138
617-492-1764
www.esrnational.org
Children's Creative Response to Conflict
521 N. Broadway, Box 271
Nyack, NY 10960
914-353-1796
The Grace Contrino Abrams Peace Education Foundation
1900 Biscayne Blvd., Miami, FL 33132
305-576-5075