METROLAND -- * 1/2 -- Christian Bale, Emily Watson, Lee Rose, Elsa Zylberstein, Rufus, Jonathan Aris, Ifan Meredith, Amanda Ryan; not rated, probable R (sex, nudity, profanity, drug use, violence, vulgarity); exclusively at the Loews Cineplex Broadway Centre Cinemas.Together, Christian Bale and Emily Watson make one of the most unconvincing married couples in recent cinema. But their ill-advised pairing is only one of several unbelievable aspects in "Metroland."
This awful comedy-drama manages to mangle Philip Barnes' well-regarded novel by being incredibly self-indulgent and extremely boring, with a lurid, leering quality that makes the film virtually impossible to sit through.
Of course, things might not be so bad if the stars had any sort of chemistry together. Instead, you can see them laboring in vain to make their on-screen relationship -- and the film -- work on some level. But it's a lost cause.
Bale stars as Chris, a thirtysomething who is trying to come to terms with being a father. And it doesn't help that his old friend Toni (Lee Evans) has reappeared to remind Chris of their wild, youthful experiences.
The free-spirited Toni even drags Chris along to some of their old haunts -- such as extremely wild club concerts and even-wilder parties -- in hopes of shaking him out of his self-imposed rut.
With Toni as his nearly constant companion, Chris starts reliving some of the more infamous moments in his past -- including a passionate affair with a French woman (Elsa Zylberstein). And he begins to reconsider some of his life choices.
Not too surprisingly, Chris' wife Marion (Watson) isn't too thrilled about this new development. But she indulges his flights of fancy, hoping that maturity and parental responsibility will catch up with him.
The film is based on promising source material, but director Philip Saville and screenwriter Adrian Hodges seem more concerned with playing up the seamy aspects insted of telling a real story and developing real characters.
The film never even tries to establish a consistent tone. As a consequence, the dramatic component is lacking needed warmth, while the humor seems forced and awkward. And the story's payoff is jaw-droppingly bad.
Even worse are attempts to re-create '60s- and '70s-era Europe, which elicit unintentional laughs, as do Bale and Watson's ridiculous period hairdos.
"Metroland" is rated R for graphic simulated sex scenes, full male and female nudity, profanity, simulated drug use (marijuana), violent fisticuffs and use of some vulgar sexual slang.