The most-watched TV movie of the year aired this past Sunday and Monday -- NBC's super-hyped sweeps miniseries, "Noah's Ark." It was a blockbuster. The audience was as big as the ark itself and just about as discerning as the animals that climbed aboard.
As a result, the networks have learned something. Being faithful to source material is immaterial.And movies have officially left the arena of art for commerce.
Actually, I wasn't going to write about this, since I tackled religion in movies just a couple of weeks ago, using the example of three recent films that portray modern Mormons in stereotypical terms.
And even after reading critic Scott Pierce's scathing review last week, I just wrote off "Noah's Ark" as bad TV.
But after watching it myself, and then learning the show was embraced by such a huge audience, it's become irresistible.
Whenever a movie is based on a book, no one really expects it to be terribly faithful. From Charles Dickens to Stephen King, even the most popular books are tampered with in ways that go beyond merely condensing or trimming. Fans are always up in arms.
Obviously, the Bible is more than merely a book. But that doesn't mean television is going to give it any more respect.
A few recent basic-cable biblical epics have been more respectful -- but they've also been dry as dust, doing in four hours what could better be accomplished in two.
The Old Testament is full of drama and action and irony and humor, and offers plenty of opportunities for portraying human beings with great dimension. Arm's-distance reverence is an injustice.
At the other extreme, spoofs of the Old Testament have been insulting and unfunny, as well as offensive ("Wholly Moses," "History of the World, Part I").
But "Noah's Ark" goes far beyond all this, attemping to blend high drama and low humor, set to jaunty music.
Noah (Jon Voight) is supposed to be a man of quiet dignity. But he's also a straight man for God (voiced by Voight), who is heard but not seen, played as a baggy-pants vaudeville comic, spouting one-liners. Take my commandments, please.
Among the Lord's aphorisms:
-- "I think big. I made the world in six days."
-- "I would have liked a second opinion but who could I ask?"
-- "I'm one, eternal, perfect -- but I can be wrong."
-- "It's always all or nothing with me, Noah."
-- "Need a sign, Noah?"
-- "Is that sign enough for you, Noah?"
-- "Life isn't always fair."
Try as I might, I can't seem to find those quotes in my King James Bible.
In "Noah's Ark," Noah lives in Sodom and is a better person than his sinning neighbors. Even his best pal, Lot, is a drunken adulterer, and later, a murderer.
Before Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed ("Armageddon"-style), Noah tries to compile a list of righteous locals, hoping to talk the Lord out it. But he can't come up with anyone besides the drunken, adulterous, murdering Lot!
In the Bible, Noah is a great prophet. And the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah comes several hundred years after the flood. Lot, the nephew of the prophet Abraham, is the only righteous man around. And it is Abraham who tries to pursuade the Lord to spare the cities.
How does "Noah's Ark" justify all of these alterations? By stating up front that it has taken "poetic license" for dramatic effect. License, certainly. Poetic?
The show actually says the Bible is a lie. Literally. After the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Noah and his wife are sitting on a mountainside. She says: "Scribbling scribes have a bad reputation. . . . By the time they finish the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, they'll probably say we weren't even there."
What's next? NBC's "Abraham"? In which the prophet is told by the Lord to sacrifice his only son, and at the last minute, the booming voice of the Lord shouts from the heavens: "Just kidding!"
The other day, NBC issued a half-hearted apology to those who may have been offended by "Noah's Ark." In the same press release, the network also insists the show "remains faithful to the essential spirit and values of faith and humanity in the story of Noah."
Right. It's just the facts that were changed to protect the guilty.