"Beggers and Choosers" could be the most disappointing show on cable TV. And this for a series that's about the network business -- a natural for critics, if not the general public, to fall in love with.
As we all know, what the critics like and what the viewers like are not always the same thing. But neither group is going to be particularly enthralled with this new Showtime series, which premieres Saturday at 11 p.m..What makes panning "Beggars and Choosers" somewhat painful is that it was the last project put in motion by the late Brandon Tartikoff, who became the youngest network president in history when, at age 30, he took over at NBC and led that network to the top of the ratings with shows like "The Cosby Show," "Family Ties," "Cheers," "Hill Street Blues" and "L.A. Law." He died at the age of 48 in 1997 of Hodgkin's disease.
I greatly admired him professionally and liked him personally. And his widow, Lily, is an executive producer of the series.
If only "Beggars and Choosers" lived up to Tartikoff's legacy.
The "Beggars" in this show refers to the producers and actors who are trying desperately to get a show on the air. And the "Choosers" are the network executives who decide which shows make it and which don't.
At the center of "Beggars and Choosers" is Rob Malone (Brian Kerwin) -- a character clearly patterned after Tartikoff. He's the young head of programming for the struggling UPN-like LGT network. Malone's day opens with the previous day's overnight ratings, and the news on that front ranges from bad to worse.
Not only is Rob having a nigh-on impossible time of turning the network around, but there are plenty of people out there who want his job. At the top of the list is the ambitious, unscrupulous Lori Valpone (Charlotte Ross), his vice president of development. She's carrying on a weird phone-sex relationship with even more unscrupulous agent Brad Advail (William McNamara) whose clients include sitcom star Parker Meridian (Paul Provenza), the lead in LGT's only successful show, who is not only trying to extort more money from the network but is having an affair with a woman half his age -- Rob's daughter, Audrey (Keegan Tracy).
Rob does have an adoring wife, Cecile (Isabella Hofmann), who is the voice of reason. Of course, how they ended up as the parents of Audrey and their Internet-porn addicted teen son, Cary (Kaj-Erik Ericksen), is never explained.
But LGT apparently has a hit in the making -- a series titled "Mountain Men" that rails against consumerism, which doesn't go over well with either advertisers or the other networks. Of course, that show's producer (Stuart Margolin) is a sort of nut and its content is a constant problem.
But the network's owner, E.L. Luddin (Bill Morey), likes having a hit show and won't pull it. A wheelchair-bound dirty old man, he's also coming out to L.A. from his New York offices and instructs Rob to procure him the service of a hooker. Rob turns that task over to his head of casting, Malcolm Laffley (Tuc Watkins), a closet gay man whose father, as it turns out, is a Jerry Falwell-esque media minister. And, irony of ironies, Malcolm is being falsely accused of sexual harassment by an actress he didn't cast.
Got all that?
"Beggars and Choosers" clearly wants to be clever satire along the lines of the 1975 film "Network." Heck, Tatikoff even named his production company H. Beale, after the mad anchorman (Howard Beale) in that film. But it falls far short of the mark.
As written by executive producer Peter Lefcourt, this is satire without humor. Sure, it's a nasty look at the business of network television, but it is by no means an inspired one. Even its "surprise" twists and turns fail to elicit more than a mild, "Oh."
And, given that this is pay cable, "Beggars and Choosers" is full of the sort of stuff that is familiar in the R-rated movies Showtime airs. There's plenty of harsh language -- including multiple uses of the F-word -- and frequent nudity.
And the sight of a half-naked Provenza cavorting with a half-naked actress half his age is, well, appetite killing, to say the least.
Showtime, which has ordered 20 one-hour episodes of "Beggars and Choosers" in addition to the 90-minute pilot, is still searching for that signature series that can make it stand out. Something that can be the equivalent of HBO's "Larry Sanders Show" or "The Sopranos."
"Beggars and Choosers" isn't it. And, given the material it's mining, it certainly could have been.