One of the most important things a father can give his children is time, said David Dollahite, an associate professor in the BYU School of Family Life.
"Kids spell love T-I-M-E," he explained.Speaking with the Church News, Brother Dollahite, who, with his research assistants, has interviewed dozens of LDS fathers, recalled a conversation with one particular father.
The man was planning to attend his son's first swim meet. Just as he was preparing to leave work, the man's supervisor gave him a project. To work on the project, the man stayed a little later than he planned, and then found himself in a little more traffic than he had expected. Ultimately, he made it to the swim meet to see his son getting out of the water.
"He mentioned, with much regret, that if his son became an Olympic swimmer he could not say that he was there for his son's first race," said Brother Dollahite. "From that day on he decided he would never miss another important `first' for his child."
Brother Dollahite noted that because of the need to provide and be an active member of the Church, fathers can't always be there for every event in their children's lives. However, fathers need to make sure to "follow the Spirit so they are there as much as humanly possible, especially for the important events."
In contrast to the first father, Brother Dollahite recalled another father who told about taking time to help his young daughter learn to ride a bike. The man was very busy, but decided to find a few minutes for his daughter. As a result, he watched her ride down the street on the bike for the first time. He saw the look on her face and was able to share the joy of the moment with her. The experience was one that both father and daughter will not forget.
Like the first father, this father realized, "that there are certain things you just can't miss," said Brother Dollahite. "If you aren't there, and you miss it, then there isn't any making up."
Alan Hawkins, director of the BYU Family Studies Center, said that academic research indicates that time is important to fathers as well as children. "[Time] is what children -- particularly young children -- want from their fathers," he said. "When fathers are not spending time with their children it is a source of concern to them."
Both Brother Hawkins and Brother Dollahite acknowledge that being a good father is hard work, not something that can be easily summarized. However, they explain that LDS fathers have two guides that highlight the important aspects of fathering for them: the scriptures and the First Presidency's "Proclamation on the Family."
SCRIPTURES
Brother Dollahite says the scriptures provide one of the best guides for fathers of which he knows. Referring to Matt. 3:16-17, he noted that God "attended" the Savior's baptism. At that time, Heavenly Father spoke, saying "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased."
Brother Dollahite said LDS fathers can learn three important things from their Father in Heaven's example.
First, he said, the Father was there, supporting His Son at an important time. "Fathers need to be there, especially at crucial times in a child's life."
Second, Brother Dollahite explained, by using the phrase "beloved son" the Father expressed His love to His Son and to those who heard Him speak. "Fathers need to express love for children frequently, in a variety of different ways," he said. "It can be verbally, through affection, through a written letter, through what they do for them, or how they look at them, but they need to do it often. They need to [express love] to their children directly and in front of other people."
Third, Brother Dollahite said, Heavenly Father said He was "well pleased" with the Savior's actions. Fathers need to send the message "I am pleased with you" as often as possible.
Brother Dollahite said research shows that it is crucial that children know their fathers will be there for them, that they are loved by their fathers and their fathers are proud of them. Some people, he said, go through their whole lives without feeling the joy and peace that comes from knowing their father loves them and is pleased with their decisions.
FAMILY PROCLAMATION
"The Family: A Proclamation To The World," also outlines several responsibilities of fathers, said Brother Hawkins and Brother Dollahite.
Fathers, by divine design, "are to preside over their families in love and righteousness." Brother Hawkins said this means fathers must use their priesthood powers to bless and serve their family and to teach their children.
Fathers, "are responsible to provide the necessities of life" for their families. "Providing for your children is an essential, critical, absolutely necessary feature of fathers," said Brother Hawkins. "Men define it, children define it, and women define it."
Fathers are responsible for the "protection of their families." "When fathers are not there, children are at a much bigger risk physically, spiritually and emotionally," said Brother Dollahite.
Finally, fathers are obligated to serve as "equal partners" with their wives. Brother Hawkins said research supports the saying, "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
He said, in many cases, when marriage breaks down so does fathering. "A critical issue in being a good father these days is being a good husband," he said.
Brother Dollahite and Brother Hawkins have published a Web site for fathers, http://fatherwork.byu.edu. The site lists age-appropriate activities that fathers can do with their children and shares personal experiences of fathers and children. Brother Dollahite, head of the Institute for Faithful Fathering at BYU, said he and his colleagues are working to understand how religious belief and practice encourage faithful fathering and has developed a Web site, http://faithful-fathering.byu.edu, which includes stories and suggestions for being a faithful father.
Brother Hawkins said academic research indicates that when fathers are not there for their children it puts them at greater risk. "We can't be casual about a father's absence in our children's lives," he said.
Also of note, he added, is the effect children have in the lives of fathers. Critical things in men's healthy development come from being a good father, he said.
Research shows children help motivate men to work harder, be more religious and be more responsible. It also shows that children help men stay away from certain types of unhealthy behaviors.
Good fathering, he said, "isn't just about kids, but is also about dads."
Illustration by John Clark.