OK, I must be dense or something, because there are a lot of things about the movie industry that I don't "get."
Take, for example, the full-length "South Park" movie (dishonestly titled "Bigger, Longer & Uncut"). Not only was I appalled at the film's constant use of profanity, the sexual gags and other outrageously crude humor, but I was completely bored by the numerous song parodies.(By the way, before anyone accuses me of being a prude, I'll point out that I was briefly amused by the cable television series on which the film was based -- at least until it continued to hammer the same two or three jokes into the ground week after week.)
Yet the film received mostly positive reviews and opened to decent box-office business before fading.
I don't get it.
Another thing I don't understand is Hollywood's obsession with beauty -- even to the point of disregarding talent. Never before in its history has the entertainment industry embraced so many good-looking yet untalented actors.
How else do you explain the career of Denise Richards?
Richards started out making a string of bad B-movies, such as "Tammy and the T-Rex." But since then, this beauty has put in a series of truly awful performances, including jaw-droppingly bad turns in "Starship Troopers," "Wild Things" and "Drop Dead Gorgeous."
So how does the industry reward her spectacularly failed career? By giving her a plum role in the next James Bond movie! (She plays nuclear scientist Christmas Jones in "The World is Not Enough.")
But lest you think I'm picking on just her, here's a list of other young, attractive actors I just don't "get":
Freddie Prinze Jr. -- This hunk has received comparisons to Keanu Reeves. But his intellectually challenged performances in such films as "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and "Wing Commander" make Keanu seem like the second coming of Marlon Brando.
Saffron Burrows -- Rumor has it this British-born actress was up for the role of Jean Grey in the "X-Men" movie. But whomever was considering her must not have seen her painfully wooden turns in "Deep Blue Sea" and "Wing Commander," among others.
(By the way, the marginally-more-talented Famke Janssen eventually won the coveted "X-Men" role.)
James Van Der Beek -- Five words: "Ah don't want yore laugh!" His laughable performance as an intellectual redneck (with an even sillier Texas drawl) in "Varsity Blues" should have kept the star of television's "Dawson's Creek" from ever getting another movie role. But that didn't stop producers from casting him in the upcoming Western, "Texas Rangers."
Brandy Norwood -- Singers-turned-actors are a dime a dozen in the industry, and this irritatingly smug R&B star isn't particularly good at either craft. (Check out "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" for evidence of her lack of acting skills.)
Ethan Hawke -- As a preteen and teenager, he was quite likable (remember him in "Explorers" and "Dead Poets Society"?). But now that he's grown up, he bears a brooding, sullen expression and a chip-on-his-shoulder demeanor that's made him unbearable in films like "Gattaca" and "The Newton Boys."
Neve Campbell -- Her performances on TV's "Party of Five" might be good; having never watched that show, I wouldn't know. But on film, her performances are incredibly whiny and one-note, displaying no trace of any real talent or skill.
Matthew McConaughey -- Perhaps the most frustrating of the lot, because his earliest performances in films (including the underrated "Dazed and Confused") were quite good. But he's gotten progressively worse since then, with underwhelming turns in "Amistad," "The Newton Boys" and "EDtv."
So at the risk of giving the industry advice yet again, let me say this: There's a word for good-looking people who can't act . . . models. Hint. Hint.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I'm pretty strict about the television. Actually, I've had to educate (my children) a little bit because now they're in school, and their friends have seen more of my work than they have, and that is a bit of a problem. I haven't made that many movies that are appropriate for them to see, but I showed them 'Grease 2,' and they got kind of bored with it. Actually, it's good they're seeing it now, when they don't really know how bad it is." -- Actress and mother Michelle Pfeiffer.
Deseret News movie critic Jeff Vice can be reached by e-mail at jeff@desnews.com