The mouse ran past my head.
Hickory dickory, he's dead.It happened the other night after he skittered across our bed. We used one of the great inventions ever: Hunk of cheese, wooden spring trap.
It worked mousterfully. Ten minutes after lights out, he was on his way to rodent heaven.
It proved some things cannot be improved upon, any era. No way you can build a better mousetrap than the Cheddar checkout.
In that spirit, I submit other things that cannot be done better than the past 1,000 years.
Pay no heed to the magazines' and networks' "best-of" drivel. I'm focusing on important stuff I've given deep thought to, in key categories just occurring while typing.
BEST FOOD -- The McDonald's French fry. I don't know anyone who doesn't love them. You don't either.
BEST COWBOY -- The Duke was cool, no doubt. But no one ever blasted bad guys in authentic Western flicks made in Italy better than Clint "The Squint" Eastwood. I'm not ashamed to say I spent a period in life chewing bad cheroots hoping to look like the Man With No Name.
BEST GUY MOVIE-- Any Bond, James Bond, with Connery. All other Bonds are pathetic fakes.
BEST SUPPOSEDLY CHICK MOVIE GUYS SECRETLY LIKED -- "When Harry Met Sally."
BEST MOVIE, ANY KIND, I'D WATCH 100 STRAIGHT TIMES -- Alfred Hitchcock's "North by Northwest" with Cary Grant.
BEST MOVIE TO AVOID THAT SUPPOSEDLY WAS GOOD -- "Titanic." My thought watching it: Will that sucker never sink?
MOST BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS -- Audrey, Liz, Marilyn, fine, whatever. The answer is Kelly LeBrock. Who said anything about acting ability? Runner-up Jane Fonda. Who said anything about politics?
BEST BOOK-MOVIE COMBO-- "The Godfather" is OK. But for a choice you can't refuse, it's "Great Expectations." Don't waste time on the Paltrow-De Niro version, though. The old one puts it to shame.
BEST JOKE YOU CAN TELL YOUR KIDS -- Where do generals keep their armies? In their sleevies.
BEST TV -- "Dick Van Dyke Show." Anyone who disagrees has a head on horizontal hold.
BEST CAR -- The '54 or '55 T-Bird, the only time it was cooler than the Vette.
BEST ROCK TUNE -- The Stones gave true "Satisfaction."
BEST INVENTION-- Yeah, yeah, the airplane, the light bulb, the Internet. Hands down, it's the remote. It harnessed all the time-wasting, trance-inducing, flab-producing potential of the tube. The one thing in the average American household giving the man the illusion of power.
BEST CARTOON -- "Bullwinkle." Anyone who disagrees goes into the Wayback Machine.
BEST ATHLETE -- Jordan. Don't give me Ruth stats or Owens and Hitler or Ali's social relevance. The Air man is the best blend of athletic ability, smarts, cool, teamwork, leadership and absolutely the most unbreakable will to win in history. Ruth wasn't the best all-round baseball player either. Mays was. Anyone who disagrees has to watch Rodman movies the next 1,000 years.
BEST FUNNY GUY -- Peter Sellers. Anyone who disagrees sees a psychiatrist until your case is-a sol-ved-a.
BEST WOMAN -- My wife, Dana, like she just reminded me.
BEST DOG -- Tough choice. Huckleberry Hound, Scooby, Astro, Rin Tin Tin, Old Yeller. Nod has to go to Lassie. As some comedian once said, this is an animal who went, "Arf" while the humans went, "You say Ranger Rick's down in the mine shaft with a broken leg, girl?" and the dog went "Arf" and the humans went, "You say we should hop in the pickup, go get Doc and Sheriff Bob and rescue Ranger Rick?" and the dog went "Arf." And the dog got her own series.
BEST MOUSE -- Jerry rocked. The Beatrix Potter meese were memorable. But Mickey did the impossible: Turned an armpit like Florida into a place we visit and spend all our money. I'd like to think we got a little payback at our house.