OK, here's the setup: Delbert Bidwell, a contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," has agonized his way up the ladder to the million-dollar question. Regis reminds him that he's already used up all his lifelines, so he's on his own. "Let's play!" shouts Mr. P., jabbing his finger at the camera.
"For one million dollars: What two-door coupe has a secret third door that allows passengers easy access to the back seat? (A) Subaru Justy, (B) Nash Metropolitan, (C) Saturn SC or (D) Fiat Provolone.
Bidwell mutters to himself for a few minutes then lifts his head: "I seem to remember seeing a TV commercial on this, Regis, and I think it was the Saturn."
"Final answer?" asks Philbin in a sepulchral tone that suggests impending doom. "Final answer," squeaks Delbert, a bankrupt stock day-trader. Regis sighs, scowls, then suddenly bursts into a huge grin. "You've got it!" he shouts. The audience goes nuts and Delbert faints dead away.
Well, what do you think? Pretty good stuff, huh? What's that? You think the question was too easy to be the million-dollar query? Well, sure, you already saw the photo with this review, read the headline and maybe even the cutline too (the sentence under the photo explaining the picture).
Put yourself in Delbert's shoes and maybe you choke, go for the Provolone, and walk away with a lousy $32,000 — just enough to pay your margin calls and back taxes.
Or maybe not. I really have no idea how many Americans are aware that the Saturn SC1 and SC2 are "the only three-door coupes in the world" as claimed by the Saturn public relations folks, who say the idea came from the 8-year-old son of a Saturn retailer.
It could also have come from all those three-door pickup trucks out there. Several years ago manufacturers started adding a third, smallish door to their pickups to allow easier access to the area behind the front seats.
For trucks, the third door clearly makes sense. For small, sporty coupes, it seems to be the answer to a question no one had asked, which may be why other manufacturers haven't followed Saturn's lead and added a third door to their own coupes.
The thing is, if you want a car that has easy access to the back seat, why not just buy a four-door car? The only possible answer is that you think the sleek, anti-family-sedan look of the coupe is really cool, but you don't mind cheating a bit with the "secret" third door (which opens "backwards" like what they used to call "suicide" doors, and the driver's door must be opened first.)
I've devoted a lot of space here to the SC2's third door because it's the only thing that separates it from its competitors, and we folks in the news business are suckers for the unusual — man bites dog, and all that.
Back in March 1991, I wrote my first review of the all-new Saturn (which then came in only two- and four-door models) a small, relatively inexpensive car that General Motors hoped would stop their customers from defecting to Honda, Toyota, Nissan and all those other pesky imports.
GM even left its name out of all the promotional hoopla, knowing its corporate identity was too closely tied with Buick, Oldsmobile and other large American machines.
I recall being underwhelmed by that first Saturn — especially by its noisy, thrashy 1.9-liter four-cylinder engine — but I didn't want to be a spoilsport and rain on their patriotic parade so I gave it a tentative thumbs up, thinking it would improve over time. And it has, although perhaps not enough.
Saturn received an amazing amount of positive PR and buyer enthusiasm in those early years, mainly due to a brilliant touchy-feely customer service and advertising program that made the Saturn "team" out to be one big, happy family. Now it's 10 years later and while the Saturn is clearly a better car — a quieter motor, better fit and finish, and improved ride and handling — it hasn't converted many of the Honda Civic or Toyota Corolla faithful. Their cars have gotten better, as well.
I was also intrigued, back in '91, by Saturn's then-revolutionary no-dicker-sticker policy, the first time that a U.S. carmaker had taken haggling out of the sales process. Buyers seemed to like the idea, even when it was suggested that they might be paying more than they would under the traditional system.
In any case, things aren't going too well at Saturn these days. Its coupe sales rose 17 percent in 1999, but now the company is offering price cuts on some models after slower-than-forecast sales this year have caused production cuts and worker layoffs. They are also backing away, through incentives, from their "one price, take it or leave it" retailing strategy of the past 10 years.
Although most people won't know the difference, Saturn has subtly redesigned the exterior of its SC coupes for 2001, after updating the interior in 2000 — although they kept the dorky, decade-old HVAC fan switch, the one thing that really needed changing.
The exterior body panels are still made of high-tech polymers that help ward off dents and dings but also make the doors sound tinny. You'd swear they hadn't closed completely until you get used to the sound.
Base price for my SC2 tester was $16,505, but antilock brakes with traction control added $695, 15-inch alloy wheels tacked on $350 and floor mats were an extra $70. With the $440 destination charge, the bottom line was $18,060.
Fuel mileage is rated at 25 mpg in city driving and 35 mpg on the highway.
E-mail: max@desnews.com