In Showtime's two-part, three-hour remake of "On the Beach," what remains of the world's population is waiting to die after a nuclear holocaust. Viewers may wish to join them as they're waiting for this interminable production to end.
Based on Nevil Shute's book and the 1959 movie, "On the Beach" attempts to update the story. Set in the year 2006, it concerns a nuclear exchange between China and the United States that renders the Northern Hemisphere instantly uninhabitable.(The original, of course, featured a nuclear conflict between the United States and the USSR. But the new story doesn't exactly lend credence to itself when a newscaster intones, "The mood of the American electorate is very strongly pro-Taiwan." Like the American electorate cares.)
All of that is but prelude to what turns out to be a rather dull love story.
In the wake of the nuclear exchange, a surviving American submarine makes for Australia, where nuclear fallout hasn't yet fallen. But it's on its way, and -- except for those who are in denial -- the Australians know their days are numbered.
The American sub commander, Dwight Towers (Armand Assante), however, agrees to take his ship north to see if, by chance, there's a way of saving at least some of the surviving population. (There's unproven speculation that radiation levels have dropped enough in Alaska that a number of people could be ferried there and survive.)
The Australian government has also recruited a surly, drunken lout of a scientist, Julian Osborne (Bryan Brown), who thinks the theory is baloney. And the Aussies also assign Peter Holmes (Grant Bowler) as their liaison officer to the American sub.
But . . . before the ship gets under way, Towers -- who just lost his family in the nuclear war -- falls in love with Moira (Rachel Ward), a brassy dame who happens to be Julian's ex-lover and Peter's sister-in-law. (Right.)
Even those who have never read the book or seen the original movie probably know how it's going to end. And even if this were new material, it quickly becomes rather obvious.
It doesn't help that this "Beach" is more than an hour longer than the original film, which was directed by Stanley Kramer and starred Gregory Peck, Fred Astaire, Ava Gardner and Anthony Perkins. Bigger isn't always better. Long can just be more tedious.
And this being Showtime, of course, the new cast gets to say dirty words with abandon.
There's no point in remaking something if you can't do it better. And the producers of this new version of "On the Beach" absolutely could not.
E-mail: pierce@desnews.com