When Harold Kushner turned 65 this year, he found himself assessing his life, wondering what kinds of contributions he has made. That shouldn't be hard to do.
Kushner, who is Rabbi Laureate of Temple Israel in Natick, Mass., has written seven books, all filled with wisdom about life and religion.
His most famous title, "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People," has been recently re-issued in a 20th anniversary CD edition read by the author. But his other titles, including "When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough," "Who Needs God?" and "How Good Do We Have to Be?" have all been read by millions.
The crucial event that inspired "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," was the death of Kushner's son, Aaron, who, at age 3, was diagnosed with a rare debilitating disease that killed him at 14. In the book, Kushner talked about the human kindness that helped him and his family cope with tragedy and continue to believe in God.
In a telephone interview from Massachusetts, Kushner said that if he were to write "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" again, he would not change anything. "That book is driving my publisher crazy now because people are always wanting me to talk about it."
Now his new book, "Living a Life That Matters," has hit the New York Times Best Seller List and may very well become as popular as "Bad Things."
Prior to writing it, Kushner had noticed that a great many people felt a need for "significance." Like the rest of us, Kushner was stunned by the tragic events of Sept. 11. "I go
back over and over the tragic events of recent days, and what I notice is how many people who realized they were dying, on airplanes or in the World Trade Center, chose to talk to their loved ones and say, 'I love you.' All of us need to learn from their experience.
"Second, we need to realize how significant each of us is and realize the impact we have on those around us.
"Third, we can make an impact on the world by helping out in our communities."
Kushner strongly believes in the need to "turn tragedy into something good. If we channel our anger into something other than beating up other Americans, if we clean out terrorist cells, if we understand and ease the legitimate complaints of some Third World countries, if we concentrate on their economic betterment and their gaining a semblance of gender equality, we may help."
The Old Testament's Jacob is the central character in Kushner's new book, because he found that Jacob is the only person in the Bible whose complete biography is told, allowing readers to learn something from his life. "The way he did things by trickery is part of tradition, but most of us lack the power to use such cleverness. Jacob used cleverness (as when he tricked his father into giving him his brother Esau's blessing) and the Bible's narrator is very uncomfortable with his cleverness.
"As for Jacob himself, part of him delights in this and part of him dislikes it."
Kushner believes that when Jacob was wrestling with an angel, he was really battling with his conscience. "There was a split in Jacob's soul. He was embarrassed at what he had to do. As soon as he stopped doing it, the Bible described him as whole. There was an integrity to him."
In his teaching and writing, Kushner frequently refers to TV shows and movies (such as "It's a Wonderful Life," which he considers "a dreadful, corny movie with a sublime message, that people don't realize how many lives they affect") to make his points, because "people are often more familiar with these things than with the Bible. It really surprises me if I refer to an incident described in the Bible, and an intelligent person, someone with a wonderful education and a good brain, has never heard of it. Our semi-literacy of the Bible is a serious problem."
Kushner notes that he often hears writers saying they write for themselves. "I don't. I imagine the audience out there — a mythical composite, including some members of my congregation, people who are thoughtful, troubled and open to suggestions, reverent if not religiously committed, open-minded skeptics."
He admits that he is also sometimes skeptical himself, for instance about the reliability of people who believe God spoke to them. He has such feelings about Genesis, Chapter 22, which tells the story of Abraham going to sacrifice his son, Isaac, on the altar to God. The Bible says God told him to do it. This is a troubling story to Kushner, because he believes it violates basic religious principles. Kushner says, "I believe Abraham heard the message, but I don't believe God said it."
In many years of counseling people about marriage difficulties, Kushner has found that infidelity is by far the most important problem. "It says, 'I need to be important. I need to believe I am the most important person in my spouse's life.' When a husband or a wife chooses to have the most intimate kind of involvement with someone else, it destroys what marriage is based on."
In his experience, it is usually the husband who has an affair, and Kushner often counsels the wife to forgive him. "I've had some success with couples who are willing to try to put it together again. If the husband is willing to make changes and the wife is willing to give him a second chance, it can work.
"But I've been much less successful if it is the wife who has an affair. Men are more possessive of their wives, and men will justify infidelity by saying, 'It didn't mean anything to me,' whereas a woman will say the new person filled an emotional void in her life. That's hard for a man to take."
Kushner believes friendship is vital to everyone's well-being. "If your spouse is your one and only friend, you're putting all your eggs in one basket. You need to be appreciated by a wider range of people. There may be things your wife doesn't appreciate about you — your interest in sports, your sense of humor. Both men and women need friends outside their relationship. Women's souls are naturally nourished by relationships, but men think it admits incompetence."
E-mail: dennis@desnews.com