Question: I am having a problem with my 5-year-old son, Michael. He is usually a very friendly, outgoing and social child but lately seems to get frustrated easily — especially when he doesn't have a playmate around.
Whenever I take Michael and his younger brother out front to play, Michael is only interested in playing with Tom, the boy who lives across the street. If Tom cannot play, Michael inevitably sits outside our house and cries. We have a nice backyard, but Michael is not happy unless he has a friend his age to play with.
Michael attends afternoon kindergarten, and I schedule at least one play date a week. He is also in karate, soccer and a library group. These all meet once a week, but there never seems to be enough social interaction for him.
How much peer play is appropriate for 5-year-olds? How can I help Michael deal with this frequent disappointment? — D.G., Schenectady, N.Y.
Answer: You are experiencing pretty normal frustration from a 5-year-old who magically thinks that crying will get him to his dream — more playtime. He is also going through a period of experiencing the excitement of being "in love" with his playmates. These are predictable new developments for a child this age.
I think the play dates and opportunities you are providing are already more than adequate. But that doesn't mean your son has to be satisfied with them. I wouldn't keep adding activities. Instead, let him work out his frustrations. He will eventually.
Question: I have a 2 1/2-year-old daughter and a 3-month-old son. My daughter was easygoing until I had my son. We have dealt with her behavior problems (throwing food, screaming at the top of her lungs, pushing other children and biting) by giving her timeouts, along with talks. But I feel that this isn't a strong enough punishment for some deeds — such as biting the baby.
Can you offer suggestions?—A.B., New Orleans
Answer: It sounds as if you are already doing what I would suggest. Discipline means teaching and is distinct from punishment. It often takes a long time to see the results of discipline. Each time you give your daughter a timeout, you are saying, "I must stop you until you can stop yourself." Eventually, she will learn to control herself, and that's the goal.
Meanwhile, of course, you must protect the baby, so you must stop her firmly. Timeouts are one way to this; holding her firmly is another. As soon as you have broken the cycle of acting out, sit with her to explain in simple terms why you had to discipline her.
I am very glad that you do have special times alone with your daughter, and I'd talk about them whenever she is feeling frustrated or jealous. Say: "I know it's hard for you to watch Mommy and Daddy with the baby, but we still love you. Remember our special times together. We'll have one tomorrow."