UTAH STATE PRISON — In the 20 years he's spent in prison, John P. Miller Jr. has made the dean's list, started a literacy program for inmates and organized knitting projects to provide blankets for Primary Children's Medical Center.
But it's hard to overlook the crime he committed more than 20 years ago that jolted the close-knit town of Clinton.
Only 15 at the time, Miller kidnapped 2-year-old Anne Hoskisson, sexually abused her, then choked her to death — first using his hands and then a metal pipe. Miller hid the body in a crawl space near the attic of an abandoned building, then joined the estimated 900 searchers who spent several hours looking for the girl.
Now 36, Miller told Board of Pardons and Parole Chairman Michael Sibbett he's not sure himself if he deserves to be set free.
"It's a crime that's hard to forgive," Miller said Tuesday at his third parole hearing since being sent to prison in April 1981. "I haven't really forgiven myself for it."
During the 30-minute hearing, Miller seemed to vacillate between wanting to be set free yet still feeling unworthy to leave prison.
During Tuesday's somber hearing, Sibbett told Miller he'd spent several sleepless nights leading up to Tuesday thinking about what the board should do with his case.
"I commend you for your positive behavior in prison and at the same time have a hard time excusing the behavior which brought you to prison," Sibbett said.
Miller pleaded guilty to murder, a first-degree felony, and forcible sexual abuse, a third-degree felony, for the murder on Aug. 5, 1980, which Sibbett characterized as "horrible" and "ghastly."
At the time of his incarceration, Miller was one of the youngest Utah inmates sent to prison.
Unless granted a parole date, Miller could spend life behind bars. The board could issue Miller a parole date or schedule him for another rehearing somewhere down the road., something Sibbett said would simply "postpone a decision that has to be made."
No one else spoke at Miller's hearing Tuesday, but Sibbett did read portions of a letter sent to the board back in 1987 from Hoskisson's parents.
"As a matter of record we have forgiven John of his violent actions against our daughter," the letter read.
Still, according to the letter, moving on has not been easy for the family. The letter spoke of the Hoskissons' remaining children, and the possibility of Miller's release.
"We fear for their safety and the safety of children everywhere," the letter continued. "We still grieve for Anne."
Miller was in tears as Sibbett finished reading the letter.
During his brief remarks, Miller said he was molested as a child and admitted to sexually abusing five other girls prior to Anne's murder.
"I was really uncomfortable around girls my age," Miller said. "I thought I could intimidate younger children. It gave me a sense of power. It gave me a feeling that I was better than I was and I didn't have to put up with the ridicule from girls my age."
Before closing, Miller told the board he often wonders what Anne Hoskisson would be doing now if she were still alive.
"I've also thought of Anne," Sibbett responded, speaking in an almost reverent whisper. "Wondering what a young lady of age 22 might be doing right now — graduating from college, starting a family, starting a career. I guess we will never know and that is one of the haunting issues of this case."
E-mail: djensen@desnews.com