Question: Our 4-year-old son prefers to play with girls over boys. On the playground, he tends to stay with girls. He also asks for play dates with girls, not boys. Should we be worried about this? — B.N., New York, N.Y.

Answer: At this age, boys are likely to be more aggressive, noisy and boisterous than girls. Girls are usually quieter, more imaginative in their play, more into nurturing play with dolls. These are dangerous generalizations, of course, because each child is different and many wouldn't fit these molds.

In an attempt to understand your child's preferences in playmates, I would see them as suited to a quieter, gentler temperament. He may be easily overwhelmed by boisterous play, hence he retreats from it. Rather than pushing him to join situations which overwhelm him, find him a boy playmate who is similar to him in temperament. Arrange play dates for the two of them and take them on outings together so that they can begin to feel comfortable with each other.

As your son learns how to manage a quieter, gentler male friend, he may be ready to enter into the fray with other boys as well. As he gets older, some of his other interests, perhaps computers, music or construction with toys like Legos, may be shared with other boys. Be sure to support him in whatever choices he makes.

Question: Our 8-month-old grandson, who's now crawling, is having a hard time with his 3-year-old sister. She won't let him play with any toys — his or hers. If he is enjoying a toy, she will go right over and take it away from him.

How would you correct this situation? — G.C., Latham, N.Y.

Answer: Stay out of it as much as possible. As long as he's safe, leave them to work it out. That's how they learn about each other— and they'll learn a lot more if you don't make it into a triangle.

Your granddaughter is showing a natural, normal kind of sibling rivalry. Watch your grandson as she comes over. His eyes will brighten; he'll be watching her every move — and learning from them. Her presence is more important than the toy, I can promise. Soon, he'll learn ingenious ways of hiding or protecting his things from her. She'll have to learn ingenious ways of working out her rivalrous feelings.

Sibling rivalry is the other side of the coin of sibling caring. Give them a chance to learn to handle (and care about) each other.

Question: I'm concerned about a 7 1/2-year-old boy whose mother still sleeps with him every night. He has an older sibling who has slept in her own room since infancy. He began sleeping in his parents' room as a newborn. When he was several years old, his mother made feeble attempts to get him to sleep in his room. As usual, she gave in to his crying and has slept with him ever since.<

He is very immature and is not doing well in school. The mother does not realize that she is not allowing him to grow up.

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Please advise parents how important it is to let go of their children and allow them to grow up. — M.R., Houma, Louisiana

Answer: It sounds as if this mother were hovering over her son for a reason that none of us understand. You are right that by hovering a parent can interfere with a child's development by making him a vulnerable child. He is likely to feel inadequate and helpless and won't be motivated to learn new developmental steps. A child's frustration during learning fuels him to appreciate his success when he masters a new step. Learning to sleep by himself would be such a step.

Do you suppose the mother has been worried about his development from the first? At any rate, she needs help — not disapproval — in understanding her own need to hold him so close.


Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, NY 10168.

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