Try this: stop for a minute and write a brief paragraph about the most influential person in your life (it must be someone who is mortal and someone you have met).
Now go through that paragraph and underline the descriptive words you have used. Perhaps words like kind, nurturing, loving, teacher, listener, respectful or responsible will be on the list.
Would your children use these same words to describe your influence in their lives? asks Terrance Olson, who likes to use this exercise in presentations on parental influence — such as the one he recently gave at the BYU Family Expo conference.
Olson is a professor in the School of Family Life at BYU and has served as associate dean of the College of Family, Home and Social Sciences. He has also co-authored a family/citizenship curriculum called AANCHOR, which became a federal teen pregnancy prevention program in public schools.
Influence is a powerful tool, says Olson, but it can be both positive and negative. And often, teens, especially, may seem to be more influenced by their peers than by their parents. But, he says, "parents should not underestimate their own ability to lay a foundation of beliefs and values that is more fundamental and more lasting."
Not all peer influence is negative; "good friends for their children is one of the greatest allies parents can have in fostering a responsible, quality future for their teenagers," he says.
But it is the so-called friends who are destructive of a teen's best interest, who use coercion or duress as a threat to the teen's moral agency and beliefs, that are the problem. This peer pressure often requires a teen to choose between what he or she believes and acceptance by the group. "Usually, peer pressure invites teens to put a desire to belong ahead of what they feel is right — or even before what they would prefer," says Olson.
Parents can counteract peer pressure, says Olson; "as parents you have the ability to influence someone in the same way you were influenced."
But the first thing you need to realize is that there is a difference between influence and control.
"If you are starting with the notion of 'how can I get a kid to . . ?' then you are being more concerned with control."
No power or influence ought to be maintained by virtue of your position or "authority," he says. "But in everyday life, parents may turn to being dictatorial in their attempts to 'get children to do what they should.' Often, however, the more parents insist on something, the more children resist."
In general, parents spend four times more effort and energy correcting than teaching, says Olson. "That ratio ought to be reversed."
There may be times when parents need to issue an order, but those are extreme and unusual times, perhaps involving a need for immediate action for safety reasons.
Instead of asking "how can I get my kid to . . ?" parents should ask, "how can I help things go right?" And, perhaps more importantly, "what do I need to do when things go wrong?"
And an important thing for parents to realize, says Olson, is that they can't rely solely on talent, competence, intelligence or skill when seeking to influence children for good. "Influence comes from the inside out. It comes from the heart. When influencing children to choose a moral, responsible path in life, strategies and techniques are not as fundamental as are parental love, commitment and example."
And that brings Olson to what he terms "The Four R's of Parental Influence."
1. Relationship (nurturance). If parents are worried only about outcomes, they are not building what they are supposed to be building, says Olson. "If you go into the Pinewood Derby only to win, you miss building the relationship along the way."
Look for teaching moments, but teach in a way that your children will feel loved. "Have boundaries and consequences, but invite children to see possibilities. And if you are not willing to have them say 'no,' then don't ask questions that have a 'no' answer."
Above all, don't overlook the power of example, he advises. "Children know who you are every minute. There should be no difference between your public and private behavior. They clearly see the difference between genuineness and self-deception."
And everything you do should be done with relationship in mind. "Whether you are coaching a soccer team, taking the children fishing, doing homework with them, needing their help to move Grandmother to an apartment or doing an Eagle project, you influence children best by doing things with them and not just telling them. Living by our words is the best demonstration of the value of those words."
2. Reason (making connections). Helping children understand meanings, beliefs, principles, commitments, values and directions in life are all more important than just learning facts, says Olson. And again, "your first task is to be an example of what you reason about."
Don't say: "How many times do I have to tell you this." Look for spontaneous ways to reason, he says.
The most important connections children need to make are between choices and consequences. Teaching the meaning of "do what is right, let the consequences follow," is a good place to start. But children need to be aware that we often only have control over consequences in our original choice.
Teach children to make responsible choices, he says. Sometimes, they will make mistakes. "But they will only learn from those mistakes if they see honest meaning in the experience. Don't preach or lecture. And don't give up if they don't respond. Your task is to offer. Stay nurturant. Stay reasonable in the face of their resentment. You may be imprinting their souls for later on."
3. Responsibility (accountability). Tied in with reason is responsibility. Children need to know the connection between choices and consequences, but they must also take responsibility for their choices.
"And you want children to learn from the consequences more than be punished by them," says Olson. That means making the punishment fit the transgression.
Too often, he says, parents use grounding as the common, one-size-fits-all punishment. "But transgressions are very diverse. All grounding does is teach them they have to do time."
Much better, he says, is to take action. Apologize, restore, make restitution. And the younger the children, the more your involvement, he says.
4. Reaching out (service). Providing opportunities for children to render service in the family, in the church, in the community are all means of demonstrating meaningful, moral living, says Olson. "Work and service are contexts in which relationships are built, reasoning is unfolded and boundaries and consequences are experienced."
Be a role model in giving service, but also get your children involved. And remember that the meanings of service are multifaceted and personal. "Ask your children, 'what did that mean to you?' instead of telling them what they should get from it," he advises.
Establishing parental influence and offsetting negative peer pressure is a challenge, says Olson. Remember, that the foundation of parental influence with teenagers is parental influence with children. Start early to nurture, to build relationships, to reason and reach out.
"And don't give up. Parenting means you must be relentless. You have to give your best in situations that might invite you to do otherwise. Teach in times of peace, so you can withstand the storms."
E-mail: carma@desnews.com