Roberto Benigni spends a lot of time talking with his back to the camera in "Pinocchio," the better to obscure his lips, the movement of which has no relation to the sound attributed to them.
Apparently unhappy with his efforts to dub his character into English with his own voice, Benigni fired himself at the last minute and hired American actor Breckin Meyer, whose voice work as Pinocchio takes the form of a nattering, whiny, supremely annoying monologue. He talks to himself frequently, but even when he's talking to someone else he sounds like he's the only one in the room.
Why did Benigni think this was a good idea? Beyond that, why did he think anything about his deadly live-action version of "Pinocchio" was a good idea? Using the creative freedom afforded to him by "Life is Beautiful," Benigni has massacred a children's classic.
This is a story ingrained in the culture; it's easier to mess it up than do it right. The lovely 1940 Disney version is deservedly foremost in everyone's mind, but "Pinocchio" has been filmed in one form or another more than two dozen times, making it even less clear what Benigni thought he could bring to the material.
His new film is unlikely to be enjoyed by anyone old enough to read subtitles, making dubbing a must, yet the near-total disconnect between sound and image is likely to lull even the youngest moviegoers into a stupor.
This is a squirm-a-thon for all ages, with kung fu movie-grade dubbing that's an insult to the craft.
You can envision the bewildered voice cast in a recording studio, trying vainly to match their lines with the lips of Italian actors they've never met. None of them gets the chance to be funny; you're unlikely even to notice such performers as John Cleese, Eddie Griffin, Cheech Marin and Regis Philbin are doing the talking.
Make no mistake, though, this "Pinocchio" would be a disaster even in Italian.
Benigni, who also directed and co-wrote the screenplay, hews closely to the Carlo Collodi children's book, hoping that magic will spring from a faithful adaptation. His work, though, is jarring, an uneven pastiche of bricks-and-mortar sets and bizarre digital effects.
We don't feel we're being drawn into a magical world so much as dropped into a thinly imagined fantasy without a map. Benigni's style remains flat and literal-minded even through the story's most fantastical elements.
Everything happens at the same emotional register, from Pinocchio's deception at the hands of the Cat and the Fox to his reunion with Gepetto inside the belly of a whale. Pinocchio doesn't so much grow and change through his adventures as he's pinwheeled abruptly from one incident to another.
There are a few scattered pleasures. Vocally, Topher Grace (of "That 70's Show") provides some pep as Pinocchio's lollipop-loving buddy, Leonardo. He has a goofiness that suggests he can't quite believe what he's saying, yet he still performs with relish.
Then there's Nicoletta Braschi, Benigni's wife, as the Blue Fairy, her dewy features caressed by the great cinematographer Dante Spinotti. Blue has always been Spinotti's favorite color, and this fairy is a blue-haired knockout.
But that's about it. Benigni, who can make adults laugh like children, will bore kids as much as their parents with his "Pinocchio."
"Pinocchio" is rated G for some mildly vulgar humor and slapstick violence. Running time: 100 minutes.