If you were a fan of "L.A. Law" and stuck with the show for at least six of its eight seasons, you probably remember that Grace Van Owen (Susan Dey) eventually married Victor Sifuentes (Jimmy Smits) — and that, after a rough patch in their marriage that saw them separate, Grace accompanied Victor to New York to start a new life.
If you do remember, maybe you should have written "L.A. Law — The Movie," the atrocious reunion that airs Sunday at 8 p.m. on NBC/Ch. 5.
The show got bad before it went off the air — the last couple of seasons were weak — but there was never an episode any worse than this movie.
The script was penned by former series writer/producer William Finklestein, who should've known better. And he was a bit defensive about keeping the show true to its past.
"The show hasn't been on the air for, I believe it's nine years. (Actually, it's eight.) I'm not going to presume to pick up exactly where we left off," Finklestein said.
Nobody's asking him to — but it might be nice if he didn't just ignore major plot points.
"Everything changes," Finklestein said, "and I think its far more credible in storytelling terms and much richer dramatically to factor that in and not sort of be asking an audience to act as though nothing has happened in the interim."
Excuse me, but it's credible that Grace would have forgotten that she got married?
(In a recent talk show appearance, Dey said Finklestein had phoned her to ask if Grace had ever married Victor — and she insisted neither of them could remember. Maybe Finklestein could have done something magical like LOOK ON THE INTERNET, where he could have found the answer in maybe two minutes.)
No one's asking that the "L.A. Law" movie pick up where the series left off in 1994, but it's just an insult to fans to manipulate the show's history in unrecognizable ways.
Even if you put all of this aside, "The Movie" is still bad. The Big Case is but a pale echo of what used to make "L.A. Law" great.
It seems that Michael Kuzak (Harry Hamlin) left the practice of law years earlier because a client he got off went on to commit murder. (Which, again, ignores the show's history because that happened to him during the run of the series.) He's running a restaurant when the daughter of a client he didn't get off begs him to prevent her father's impending execution.
And, lo and behold, his ex-flame, Grace, was the prosecutor on that case. And she's now the district attorney (having magically returned to L.A. without that pesky husband of hers).
The resolution of the Big Case is so ridiculous it adds up to one big Who Cares?
The appeal of this reunion, such as it is, is checking in with the old characters. The law firm's senior partner, Leland McKenzie (Richard Dysart), has retired, although the character makes a largely pointless appearance. Fussbudget Douglas Brackman Jr. (Alan Rachins) is now in charge and as annoying as ever — but at least his son, who's now an associate, seems like an OK guy.
Arnie Becker (Corbin Bernsen), the divorce lawyer/lothario, has a much-younger wife who is cheating on him. And her divorce lawyer is ex-associate Abby Perkins (Michelle Greene), a development that's waaay to precious to be believable. As is the plot involving mentally challenged office boy Benny Stulwicz (Larry Drake).
Ann Kelsey (Jill Eikenberry) seems to have gone from savvy attorney to total idiot as she's taken in by a religious fake while her husband, Stuart Markowitz (Michael Tucker), can do little but act bemused.
Office manager Roxanne Melman — who seems to have forgotten who the father of her child is (it was Tommy Mullaney, played by John Spencer of "The West Wing"), is visited by her ex-husband, Dave (Dann Florek), who wants to spend his final days with Roxanne before he succumbs to cancer.
The resolution of the Ann, Stuart, Roxanne and Dave storylines are just plain stupid — and, if you think about them for a minute, they don't hold up.
Neither does this TV movie.
If you loved this show the way I did (at least when it was good), don't waste your time on "The Movie." Watch a couple of old episodes (it airs weekdays at 6 a.m. on A&E) instead.
E-mail: pierce@desnews.com