THE MASTER OF DISGUISE — turkey — Dana Carvey, Brent Spiner, Jennifer Esposito, James Brolin, Harold Gould, Edie McClurg; rated PG (slapstick violence, vulgarity); see the "On the Screen" for complete listing of local theaters."The Master of Disguise" may be the least funny movie ever to star a "Saturday Night Live" alumni. And yes, that does includes "It's Pat — The Movie," "A Night at the Roxbury" and the last couple of Chris Farley films.
It's also a horrible way for the SNL vet in question, Dana Carvey, to make his return to movies after a six-year hiatus (caused by a series of health problems and other personal setbacks).
As co-writer and star, Carvey is largely to blame for this painful, slapped-together comedy, which tries to capitalize on the success of last year's "Spy Kids." Unfortunately, it's not even close, and too often resorts to crude humor in a desperate move to garner laughs (including more flatulence and other gags than you might expect in a PG-rated "kids" film).
And frankly, Carvey's brand of humor (which includes bad imitations and goofy voices) is well-past its expiration date. Nevertheless, that's what he does in his role here as dimwitted but kind-hearted waiter Pistachio Disguisey.
To the horror of his family, Pistachio often embarrasses customers by mimicking them. What he doesn't know is that his mimicry and disguise abilities are a family trait that he shares with his father, a retired spy (James Brolin).
But he gets the chance to hone those skills when his parents are kidnapped by their arch-enemy, Devlin Bowman (Brent Spiner), who forces Pistachio's father to steal notable treasures — in various disguises, of course.
So it's up Pistachio to save the day — though he'll need a crash course taught by his grandfather (Harold Gould) and the help of his beautiful assistant (Jennifer Esposito) if he's going to succeed.
This premise probably wouldn't have been enough to sustain a 10-minute SNL sketch, much less an 80-minute feature, which may explain the stupid parodies that crop up of "10," "Jaws" and "Chariots of Fire" and other films.
Pity first-time filmmaker Perry Andelin Blake, who tries to make the best of this mess, despite being saddled with a star who seems to have no self-restraint, and who clearly has had his sense of what's funny and what's not seriously impaired.
"Master of Disguise" is rated PG for violence (mostly slapstick, including combat and pratfalls) and vulgar humor (flatulence gags and sexual references). Running time: 80 minutes.
E-MAIL: jeff@desnews.com