When Dr. Phil wrote his brief introduction for Linda and my latest book, "The Book of Nurturing," he said, "Parents may not be the only influence in their children's lives, but they had better be the biggest."
Essentially, that is the heart of the matter. As much as we might rue and regret and resist the influence that media, peer groups, politics and the popular culture have on our kids, the only truly effective thing we can do about it is to make sure our own influence is greater.
Over our last 25 years of writing and speaking to parents and interacting with families all over the world, we've observed and explored (and tried within our own family) hundreds of methods, techniques and principles for bolstering, preserving, and improving families and for raising resilient and responsible children. While there are a lot of good ideas, and while different families need different things, let us give you our seven favorites — seven principles and practices (or good habits) that seem to work for all families no matter who or where they are.
1. A weekly family night or regular family meeting. There's just nothing that keeps schedules and communication on track like a regularly scheduled (weekly) family meeting. Some families like Monday evenings, others prefer Sunday afternoons. The important thing is to set a time and be consistent. With kids involved, there are three indispensable elements: (a) food (treats make it seem less like a meeting and more like a party); (b) fun (include some activity — anything from bowling to a board game); (c) an agenda (let everyone have input on what is discussed and put kids in the rotation of who conducts or is "in charge.") For specific additional ideas go to familynightlessons.com.
2. Daddy dates or mommy dates. Family meetings are important, but the most crucial parenting still happens one-on-one. A regular "daddy date" or "mommy date" with each child can be a communication bonanza, especially if the child gets to decide where you will go and what you will do.
3. A "Five Facet Review." While "parenting experts" and general recommendations from parenting books may sometimes be helpful, remember that you are the only real expert on your children. And you know more about your child and his individual and unique needs than you think you do. Develop and organize your own insights and instincts by holding a monthly "five facet review." Go out to dinner with your spouse (or, if you are a single parent, go with a grandparent or someone else who knows and loves your children) and discuss each facet of each child. Ask each other, "How is Billy doing physically? Mentally? Socially? Emotionally? Spiritually?" Brainstorm a little about each facet. Take notes. Decide on your parenting priorities for the coming months and agree on who will do what for each child's current needs.
4. Get involved in service as a family. Nothing draws parents and children closer to each other than doing service projects together. If all our time is spent on our own needs and on each other's needs within the family, we grow insular and selfish. But if we turn outward and do things regularly and as a family to help others, we discover the joy of service and of working together. Try devoting one family night per month to service (from working in a soup kitchen to simply picking up litter at a park) and see what a difference it makes. As your service orientation grows, consider replacing your next family vacation with a humanitarian expedition to a Third World country.
5. Change how you plan your day. Too often our daily planning consists of listing all the things we have to do, and we often get so busy that there is no time left for what really matters. Try two small adjustments in how you plan your day: (a) Change your planning routine by not listing all the "have to do's" until you've spent a few moments thinking about the "choose-to-do's." Put two little lines at the top of your daily list and write down something you choose to do for your spouse and your children (or child) that day. (b) Draw a vertical line down the center of your planning page. Put your list and "things to do" on the left and then just write "serendipity" at the top of the blank right-hand side. As the day unfolds, keep yourself observant and aware of unexpected and unplanned needs or surprises or teaching moments that come up. Look at these "serendipities" not as irritations or interruptions but as opportunities. Try to "jump the line" three or four times every day to do something unplanned and spontaneous with someone you love.
6. Focus on teaching one particular value each month. In our busy lives, it's hard to do everything, teach everything, and be everything to our kids all the time. But if we pick one value to concentrate on each month within our family, opportunities and situations to teach it just seem to come up. List the 12 values you most want to pass on to your kids (start with obvious ones like honesty, respect, self-reliance and kindness). Organize them by the months of the year, make up a chart, and go for it.
(Free ideas and suggestions are available at valuesparenting.com.)
7. Have (and use) a support system at church. No parent today can do it alone. If you go to church regularly as a family, be sure you're communicating regularly with the teachers or advisers or leaders who are involved with your child. If you don't currently have a church connection, find one, and look for a church that is family- and youth-oriented and that will work with you and for you in teaching values to your children.
Since the family is the basic unit of society, it is the basic things that parents need to focus on if they want to be the biggest influence in their kids' lives. These seven basics will help!
Richard Eyre, a New York Times No. 1 best-selling author on family, was a candidate for Utah governor in 1992. Next Sunday: How parents can demand more "family help" from schools, government and other larger institutions.