Recently, we learned that a man hid inside a crate and had himself shipped from New York to Dallas via the cargo hold of an airplane, right to his mother's front door.
Were you thinking what I was thinking? Finally, an improvement in air travel.
This is the biggest breakthrough since in-flight movies. Millions of passengers are probably wondering why they didn't think of it.
They might throw Charles McKinley — the stowaway — into jail, but first they should give him a wing in the Smithsonian — First man to overnight himself from New York to Texas (with a layover in Fort Wayne). The man is a pioneer, like Lindbergh. It was the airline equivalent of going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
In man's eternal quest for cheaper, more convenient air travel, McKinley, a shipping clerk, shipped himself in a crate measuring 3 feet by 3 1/2 feet by 1 1/2 feet (who is this guy, Houdini?) — which means he had about the same legroom as coach class, without the neighbors.
Cargo Class travel could really take off (ha, ha!). Think of the advantages.
No more driving yourself to the airport. No more long-term parking. No more taxis. No more having a friend drop you off on the curb while the man in the uniform starts a stopwatch and gives you 4.5 seconds to stop the car, open the trunk, unload the suitcases, say good-bye, shut the trunk, jump in the car and depart with the tires screeching.
No more security checks. No more taking off your shoes, no more removing your belt, no more opening your laptop and emptying your pockets, no more turning your head and coughing (oh, wait, that's something else).
No more waiting in lines. No more walking through crowded concourses trying to find your gate. No more boarding passes. No more watching people cram various items into the overhead compartments — suitcases, purses, coats, cellos, canoes, yaks — utterly oblivious to the traffic stacking up behind them.
No more sparring with your neighbor for the armrest. No more worrying about that fat guy barreling down the aisle zeroing in on the empty seat next to you. No more gabby seatmate telling you about his "portfolio." No more seatmate. No more baggage claim. No more going to the bathroom.
OK, there are some downsides. According to the news reports, authorities said they did not know whether McKinley had any "toilet facilities," as if they were going to search the crate's premises for a commode. McKinley said he got out of the crate a couple of times during the flight; I'll bet it wasn't just to stretch his legs.
If you're considering Cargo Class, consider this: There's a pretty good chance your crate will be placed in the non-pressurized compartment under the plane — This is your captain speaking; please observe the no-breathing sign until the plane comes to a complete and final stop. Dying is considered a major drawback in airline travel, although not any worse than the middle seat.
And there is always the strong possibility that the airline will lose your luggage, which in this case is you. I hate it when they lose my luggage, so I can't imagine how mad I would be if they lost me. I might wind up in Nova Scotia or the Bermuda Triangle or wherever it is that lost luggage goes, never to return.
Authorities fear that terrorists will now hide in Cargo Class after seeing how McKinley's crate passed security checks. The crack security staff was probably fooled by McKinley's clever instructions on the crate, which said the contents were a computer and clothes. It's possible terrorists will follow McKinley's lead.
Security officer: There's no bomb in this crate.
Second security officer: How do you know?
Security officer: It says on the label, "Contains furniture and no bombs."
There are still a few glitches to be worked out in Cargo Class.
Doug Robinson's column runs on Tuesdays. E-mail drob@desnews.com.