At times you have to wonder if the real reason directors continue remake earlier movies is to make the original version look better by comparison.
That's certainly the case with "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," a lame re-do of the 1974 cult classic that lacks not only the gritty and grim "charm" of the first film, but also features little in the way of shocks, thrills or chills.
This watered-down, MTV-generation horror movie is nowhere near as clever or scary as it thinks it is. It's just cheesy . . . but not in a good way.
In this version, the unfortunate victims-to-be are college students (including Jessica Biel) on their way to Dallas for a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. Along the way, they pick up a dazed hitchhiker and try to get her some help, but soon find themselves in a dire predicament.
The local sheriff (character actor R. Lee Ermey, at his most over-the-top) is no help at all. In fact, he has his own suspicions about these twentysomethings, as one of the group (Eric Balfour) has disappeared without a trace into a creepy nearby house.
This member of the group has, of course, already been picked off by Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski), a chainsaw-wielding brute who seems intent on butchering all of them.
To be fair, this is a well-shot film. But the 1970s period re-creations are pretty unauthentic (this looks and sounds like a contemporary film, right down to the questionable retro fashions and haircuts).
And enlisting John Larroquette as the narrator of the prelude and concluding sequences (a role he also performed in the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre") is a nice touch.
But it still just serves to remind us of how terrible this version is.
It doesn't help that the film features some of worst, most wooden performances in recent horror-movie history. Even Biel's screams don't sound genuine. And attempts at getting the tank-top-wearing lead actress wet and cold are a bit too obvious and exploitative — even for a film in which such things should be expected.
"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is rated R for graphic horror violence (stabbings, impalings, gunplay and chainsaw attacks, as well as vehicular violence), graphic gore, occasional use of strong sexual profanity and crude sexual talk, simulated drug use (marijuana) and some brief sexual contact. Running time: 98 minutes.
E-MAIL: jeff@desnews.com