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SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2

Scott Baio stars as Stan Bobbins, Vanessa Angel stars as Jean Bobbins in "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2."
Scott Baio stars as Stan Bobbins, Vanessa Angel stars as Jean Bobbins in "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2."
Eike Schroter, Sony Pictures

There are many reactions a reasonably intelligent human older than age 7 might have to watching "SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2."

First, a person might run out of the theater shrieking, "My eyes! My eyes!" Trust me, this reaction would be more than understandable.

One reaction to "SuperBabies" that seems wholly unlikely is anything approaching satisfaction or pleasure. Self-loathing. Hopelessness. Pain. Internal bleeding. These sorts of terms are far more likely to come to mind.

"SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2" is a sequel to "Baby Geniuses." It is perhaps the most incompetent and least funny comic film ever made. There aren't even any good diaper jokes.

Instead, there are four faintly cute babies — and the term baby gets a stretch here because a couple of these kids seem to be pushing 30 — who run around in diapers and speak in baby talk that they jointly understand. None of them acts particularly bright in any way.

Now get this: They somehow get involved in a plot by a former Nazi (Jon Voight) to brainwash all the children of the world.

Luckily, the Nazi has a pint-size, post-baby arch-nemesis named Kahuna who has super strength and wants to save all the children of the world. He lives in a cheesy Willy Wonka rip-off wonderland located right behind the Hollywood sign. All the babies get to visit there and they all party down.

No, I am not making this up.

The babies' mouths are manipulated to make it seem like they're talking, but director Bob Clark doesn't even bother to make sure their facial expressions or other movements match the dialogue. And really, why would he? The whole thing's so inane.

The gist of the film is this: Little kids get to beat up adults and save the world. For little, little kids, this might seem a scream. For anyone else, it might raise disturbing questions about our unconscious violent tendencies in childhood. It's done so poorly, there are no laughs involved at all.

I like babies. I like babies who talk like adults and make wisecracks. What I don't like is cheesy Hollywood hacks who make products this awful on the assumption that little kids will watch whatever garbage you take them to. Maybe they will, but we deserve better. It doesn't get much worse than "SuperBabies."

"SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2" is rated PG for violence and crude humor. Running time: 90 minutes.