Question: I am in love with a woman from Guatemala. She is a wonderful, beautiful person, and she loves me deeply. I am a blond, blue-eyed Caucasian, and "mi novia" sometimes seems to have a problem with this. She often expresses amazement that she fell in love with "someone like me" and wonders if she has anything to offer.
A related problem is that she sometimes mistrusts "the Man." Not me personally, but police, government and white people in general. She grew up in poverty and still struggles a little. She occasionally offends me with her comments. One time she made a blanket comment about white people with money. I told her that my mother and little sister are white people with money, and those generalizations insult my family (whom she has not yet met).
Is this attitude common? Is there anything I can do other than introduce her to white people she would like? We are in our 40s, and I would hate to think it's too late for her to change.
Catherine: Don't forbid her to voice her concerns. Treat her comments with compassion. Letting her know that her statements offend you is a good first step in dealing with the issue. Eliminate insensitive jabs. Instead, explain your feelings.
If not addressed, your girlfriend's attitude poses a potential threat to your long-term happiness. If you decide to move ahead with the relationship, take the next steps: Really get to know each other. Meet each other's families. Meet each other's friends. Figure out if both of you can reach a new level of understanding that could lead to a wonderfully rich future together.
Lily: Unfortunately, many people share your girlfriend's opinion about "white people with money." Is it right? No. Many folks make seemingly innocent jokes/jabs about other races. Is this right? No. But will people always make such generalizations? Perhaps.
Maybe your "novia" has a biting sense of humor that jabs at people without intending to hurt. Maybe she had a bad experience with a "white" person and doesn't know how to separate that from reality. Maybe she's being sarcastic when she says she can't believe she fell for someone like you.
But you should talk to her. Don't wait for one of her moods. Address the problem when both of you are calm and able to have adult conversation (not juvenile finger pointing).
People's views can change. Just remember that it may take time and effort by both of you — and only you know whether it's worth it.
Danny: I can certainly relate to your Guatemalan princess. I grew up with similar hang-ups and insecurities. I blame it on my environment — growing up in the border town of El Paso— and on my limited exposure to the rest of the world. Inadequate exposure (intentional or otherwise) to other races and cultures could feed your "novia's" Latina-tude about "the Man."
When I was young, I truly believed "the Man" was determined to suppress Mexican-Americans. I was deprogrammed long ago, but some of the e-mail responses to our column remind me how much ignorance and racial disharmony still exist.
Communication, education and exposure to your friends and family are keys to helping your girlfriend shed her "mud-covered glasses." These elements helped me nurture my own confidence and self-esteem, and allowed me to discover truths about people in general. Now I can appreciate diversity rather than go through life wearing the blinders of ignorance and discrimination that exclude anyone who is outside my own racial and moral profile.
GLOSSARY
mi novia: my girlfriend
We want your questions! Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202. Visit Lily, Catherine and Danny online at DallasNews.com/consejos. © Dallas Morning News Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate