Dear Kids,
Well, it's that magical time of year again, when children all over the world are looking forward to a visit from Santa, who always does his best to adapt to local traditions.
In the Ukraine, for example, he shows up with three reindeer and a helper named "Snowflake Girl." In Spain he visits children by climbing up their balconies. What a stud! SO COOL! Even when someone calls the cops and Papa Noel gets busted! But don't worry. The Three Wise Men totally have his back. They always show up with presents on Jan. 6, which puts everyone in a good mood. By the time Papa Noel gets things straightened out, he's happy to haul it on over to Ireland where it's traditional to leave him a slice of mince pie and a bottle of Guinness.
ANYWAY. In an effort to maximize your holiday success this year, I am answering your questions on the topic of "How to Write a Winning Letter to Santa Claus." So sit up. Pay attention. There WILL be a quiz after.
Q. Should I write Santa an actual letter? Or will an e-mail do?
A. I'm pretty sure Santa's online these days, receiving daily offers to refinance his mortgage just like the rest of us. And just like the rest of us, he probably appreciates the convenience of e-mail, too. Hey! Getting in touch with "Snowflake Girl" has never been easier! Here's the deal, though. Nothing takes the place of a real letter. Period. End of Story.
Q. What should I say in my actual letter?
A. Well, I think it's a good idea to start by asking about Mrs. Claus just to be polite. You could also mention that you REALLY like the way she's wearing her hair now because you know how Santa Claus is. Sometimes he forgets to notice! Silly Santa! After mentioning Mrs. Claus' hair, you should get down to the real business of the letter, i.e. telling Santa what you want. Try not to overwhelm him. Say "please" often, except if you live in Denmark. Then you should say "vaer sa venleng."
Q. After I write my actual letter, where should I send it?
A. To the North Pole, of course. Just write Santa's name on the envelope and drop it in the mailbox. Unless, of course, you live in England.
Getting a letter to Santa if you live in England is a little trickier. First, you have to write the actual letter, asking for a new cricket bat and some knickers and wellies and so forth. Then you have to stand in front of the fireplace and tear the actual letter up into little bits. Who knew? And then you have to let the pieces float up the chimney without catching fire, which leads to the following question. WHO THOUGHT THIS SYSTEM UP?
What if a piece of your letter catches on fire? Especially the piece that tells Santa what you really want and not just the piece where you are talking about Mrs. Claus' hair?
Anyway, the point is that you should write Santa a real letter. Even if you tear it up and burn it.
One last thing. You might want to ask for gifts for other people. If nothing else, it gives you a chance to think about those people. I, myself, am making a few requests this year. For my running group, I'm asking for another 20 years of early morning talks. For my sons, I'm wishing for joy and good golf swings. For my husband I want more time. For Ruth, I hope for continued health. For my mother, more books to love. And for my father, the sweet smell of oranges on Christmas morning.
Meanwhile, kids, forget about the quiz. That's my gift to you.
E-mail: acannon@desnews.com