If the NCAA finds BYU's volleyball team is hitting the orb over the net with an illegal player, the No. 1 Cougars should be banned from the national championship and forfeit games. Players should be taken to the bell tower on campus, stripped to the waist and whipped with strips of spandex embedded with nails and tacks from shorts used by the women's team. And somebody should be dismissed for breaking some aspect of the school's mighty Honor Code.
But, by the same token, if no infraction is found, the NCAA should take the griping party or parties down to the Santa Monica Pier, strap them to pylons supporting the wharf and let crabs nibble at body parts until Memorial Day.
The sick sound of bickering, complaining, whining and tattling originating from the Sunny Triangle located near the beach cities of Southern California is wearing thin.
It's giving NCAA volleyball a black eye. If some team outside the Sunny Triangle has been in position to win a volleyball title lately, the carping begins from this area that stretches from Santa Barbara to the north down to Westwood and over to Malibu.
It's as if the pilots of these volleyball schools cannot bear to see success outside their own talent-rich recruiting hotbed. They cannot handle their morning cappuccino with friends or bosses and account for why they are second or third. The old adage comes into play: Those who get beat always holler cheat.
Their complaint seems to always center on opposing players. Foreign players.
The latest attack from the triangle comes over the eligibility of BYU middle blocker Victor Batista. It should be pointed out, Batista, who is now suspended from playing pending an NCAA probe, was OK'd to play this season by the NCAA's own clearinghouse before the season began.
But after the No. 1 Cougars beat Cal-Santa "burp" Barbara, when all the players and coaches were lining up to shake hands, a losing coach pointed his finger and threatened the victors: "I'm going to get you, I'm going to get you."
Later, at UCLA, folks in Westwood turned the issue over to the local press, particularly the school newspaper, The Daily Bruin, which attempted its own probe of BYU and questioned the eligibility of a second player, opposite hitter Joe Hillman. This was the setting for last week's matches in Pauley Pavilion. When the Cougars played at UCLA, half the crowd made this a part of their partisan taunting. The other half of the crowd was BYU fans.
With Hillman a key target, the taunting continued despite his clearance to play. Even UCLA's own compliance office quickly acknowledged the accusations against Hillman were without merit.
The past two seasons, the NCAA's men's volleyball champion has come under a cloud of controversy involving questionable eligibility. Two years ago, Hawaii got stripped of its title. Last year, champion Lewis fell under scrutiny over use of a foreign player.
The trouble with Hawaii and Lewis is that these schools self-reported their issues once questioned at the end of their seasons. According to BYU folks, the Cougars tried to get ahead of the storm by clearing up eligibility issues before the season began and received the green light to proceed.
Schools like BYU, Lewis and others outside the triangle use foreign players because they can't consistently break through the stronghold Southern California holds on the talent pool groomed from Redondo to Venice Beach and from San Diego to Manhattan and Zuma.
We saw the same thing 30 years ago when BYU and UTEP of the old WAC made noises in NCAA track and field. USC, with its army of native sprinters, was among those complaining, checking birth certificates and scouring NCAA rules to get foreign athletes banned.
In other words, they couldn't handle the competition.
Why can't these folks take a lesson from Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden and former Texas A&M coach R.C. Slocum? These two good ole boys have a motto: We will play anybody, anytime, anywhere — just bring it on.
But now, here we are, up to our nets in wailing, grumbling and grousing. This sport is starting to become annoying, subtracting from its grace, power and skill on the court. Too bad those off the court can't cowboy up. And it's too bad the NCAA rule book is so confusing.
The NCAA's got to do something about this. Officials have yet to rule on Hawaii's appeal of penalties, on Lewis' self-disclosure and now on BYU's situation. They're supposedly working on clearing up their muddy eligibility rules that are inconsistent across sports. Great, go at it.
In the meantime, somebody get the BYU bell tower ready with shackles and restraints. And somebody else go down to the pier off Pacific Coast Highway and starve those crabs — get them nice and hungry.
One party or the other should be held accountable before this is all over.
E-mail: dharmon@desnews.com