We can only hope that "Van Helsing" isn't a sign of things to come, or we could be in for a really long summer.
This supposed homage to classic horror movies is possibly the biggest, loudest, dumbest summer-movie opener in quite some time. In many ways it makes the other "monster" hits by filmmaker Stephen Sommers — the two "Mummy" movies — seem almost restrained. In fact, Sommers makes films by Michael Bay and McG seem restrained.
As with the "Mummy" flicks, "Van Helsing" uses computerized special effects and characters to the point of overkill. Actually, this film could almost qualify as being an animated feature.
And it couldn't be less subtle if there were flashing neon signs and exclamation points accompanying all of its groan-worthy dialogue.
In fact, the film is so moronic it's almost fun. Almost. That is, if you're not pummeled into submission by sensory overload.
Hugh Jackman stars as the title character, a legendary, 19th-century monster killer who is unofficially sanctioned by the Vatican (or at least an underground offshoot). The trenchcoat-wearing Hero of Few Words remembers very little of his past but seems to relish dispatching his beastly targets.
His latest assignment has him heading to Transylvania, where he's supposed to find and kill the legendary Lord of All Monsters, Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh). He's aided by an inventive friar (David Wenham), and by Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), whose family has a connection to Dracula.
Together, the three discover that Dracula is trying to bring his vampiric offspring to life. But in their quest to stop him, our heroes encounter Dracula's vampire brides, werewolves and the Frankenstein Monster (Shuler Hensley).
The plot is mostly nonsensical, and there's at least a slight feeling of been-there, done-that. Jackman has played the amnesiac loose cannon before (as Wolverine in the "X-Men" movies). And Becksinsale did the vampires-and-werewolves thing just last year, in "Underworld."
Also, there seem to be several transitional scenes missing, so the film almost feels like a series of vignettes or skits. And for the most part, the cast seems uninspired. The exception is Roxburgh, who's so over-the-top he's almost amusing. On the other hand, "Lord of the Rings" co-star Wenham, is perhaps the most irksome sidekick character in recent memory.
"Van Helsing" is rated PG-13 for scenes of action and horror violence (arrow fire, monster attacks, brawling and some explosive mayhem), creature gore and goo, scattered use of profanity (mostly religiously based), some vulgar innuendo, and brief partial male nudity (a monstrous backside). Running time: 132 minutes.
E-MAIL: jeff@desnews.com