Dear Harlan: The concept of a "soulmate" for everyone comes up in your column from time to time. In my opinion, the idea is nonsense and only causes heartbreak.
So often, a relationship will hit a rocky patch, and one partner will decide the other is not his or her "soulmate" and bails rather than try to make the relationship work. I've also seen people rip themselves to shreds because they think every little "crush" is a soulmate. What are your thoughts? —Soul Searching
Dear Soul Searching: I, on the other hand, believe in soulmates. I just don't believe we each have only one. I think the number is between 1,000 and 10,000.
I'm not suggesting we mate with all our soulmates. I'm just saying there are enough to pick and choose from. Some soulmates are better than others. Having so many mates for our soul means not having to settle for a loser soulmate or agonizing over one lost soulmate.
For those with a loving soulmate who find that another attractive soulmate catches their eye, there's no need to feel guilty. Just smile, and move on knowing there are 1,000 to 10,000 other mates, and all you need is the one you've got — assuming you've got a good one.
Dear Harlan: My teenage daughter had a boyfriend that she had been "going out" with for about a year. They are both 14, almost 15.
She broke up with him two months ago. The problem is that this boy is controlling, and she is still in his wraps, although she says that they are just friends. She says that he's really mean to her if she doesn't do what he wants.
The obvious approach is to have her avoid all contact with him, but what do you do when her self-esteem is so low that he's made her feel like she is nothing without him? —Concerned Parent
Dear Concerned Parent: Self-esteem, for most teenagers in high school, is like the jeans worn by most teenagers in high school — near an all-time low.
If you haven't been in high school lately, it's a brutal world where everyone makes everyone else feel like less so they can feel like more, leaving most feeling like nothing. Then you throw in first love, and it really is a first love, considering that most who are falling in love don't love themselves all that much to begin with.
The good news is that parents are the strongest influence on teenagers. So influence her. Explain why this guy is poison. Then help her to see that she's smart, beautiful and someone worth knowing. Tell her with words. Show her with actions. Then point her in a direction where she can build a sense of self.
Sports, drama, music, dance, student government, religious youth groups, academic clubs — these are all things that help. When she's home, spend time with her. Make one night one week mother-daughter night and another the next week father-daughter night. Do something active (yoga, sports, cooking classes or just dinner).
The more involved you are, the more influence you'll have. The more influence you have, the more frequently you can remind her that she deserves the best. It might take 10 years to sink in, which will make her 24, but as long as she doesn't get married at 16, she'll still have plenty of time to find a perfect partner. Now, I'll open this up and ask all the teenagers out there to send in their advice to you.
Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614. © Harlan Cohen 2004 Dist. by King Features Syndicate Inc.