Viewers who tune in to the premiere of NBC's new sitcom "Committed" tonight can expect lots and lots of laughs.
Unfortunately, few of them will be coming from the viewers themselves.
The uproarious laughter will emanate from the obnoxious laugh track, which quickly becomes unbearable. Every lame line — and there are a lot of them — is greeted with hoots and hollers and guffaws, which only serve two purposes:
First, the fake laughs point out how few laughs there actually are.
And, second, it's still more proof that networks think viewers are stupid. The theory behind laugh tracks is that we'll laugh if we hear other people — even fake people — laughing. And we're not that stupid.
Frankly, the only thing more annoying than watching "Committed" was watching it with a teenager who, every time the laugh track kicked in, said, "Why are they laughing? It's not funny." And he said it a lot.
"Committed," which airs at 8 p.m. on Ch. 5, is a romantic comedy that's neither romantic nor comical. Nate (Josh Cooke) is one of the most neurotic people on Earth. He comes from a long line of geniuses who went insane; he's a genius with lots of personality disorders whose obsessive compulsive behavior is apparently supposed to make us laugh. Even with the safety of the television screen between Nate and viewers, he's more likely to make people squirm if not run screaming from the TV set (or at least to another channel).
His obsession with emergency exits is weird. And, boy, it's just a laugh and a half when he offends a guy in a wheelchair.
What, exactly, makes Nate attractive to Marni (Jennifer Finnigan) is far from clear. Except, perhaps, that she's accustomed to weirdness because she has a dying clown (Tom Poston) living in the closet of her apartment.
That's also supposed to be funny. But it's mostly just creepy and sad.
Marni is so relentlessly perky that she appears to have some sort of mental problem herself. Perkiness and optimism are one thing; telling a story about her uncle attempting to sexually molest her as an amusing anecdote is something else. Something decidedly unpleasant.
So maybe she and Nate deserve each other. But why would anyone want to watch them?
There's no suspense about whether Nate and Marni will get together. They're a couple almost from the moment they meet. The humor is supposed to come from how they manage to navigate the choppy romantic waters that result from their, well, weirdness.
This sitcom-by-the-numbers takes place in — you guessed it! — New York City. And we have not one but two sidekicks: Bowie (Darius McCrary of "Family Matters") is Nate's buddy/co-worker/advice-giver), and Tess (Tammy Lynn Michaels) is Marni's decidedly odd, perhaps unstable friend.
"Committed" comes from creators/executive producers Eileen Heisler and DeAnn Heline, who count "Roseanne," "Murphy Brown" and "Ellen" among their credits.
The worst news is, perhaps, that the network sitcom is still very, very sick. NBC, the network that used to have more than its share of funny shows, is down to, well, a couple that are sort of funny. One of those, "Will & Grace," is running on fumes; the other, "Joey," has thus far mostly failed to deliver on its early promise.
That the folks at NBC are acting like "Committed" is the second coming of "Friends" isn't funny, it's just sad.
THERE'S SOME reason for hope with UPN's new reality/competition series "The Road to Stardom with Missy Elliott."
If we get many more shows like this one, it will kill off the genre altogether.
Elliott, for those of you who don't know, is a rap star/songwriter/producer who, apparently, now yearns to be the Richard Branson of the hip-hop set — a highly successful individual who somehow thinks her copycat reality show is original and entertaining. And "Road to Stardom" rips off everything from "American Idol" to "Rebel Billionaire" to "The Apprentice" to "Making the Band" . . . and so on and so on.
Thirteen aspiring gangstas jump through Missy's hoops as they travel around on a bus, performing and learning what they need to outwit, outplay and outlast the other members of the tribe, win $100,000 and a recording contract and be the Next Big Thing.
Heck, they're not even going to be the Next Top Model.
They will, however, get to meet Madonna (ho-hum), who, we're promised, will be making a guest appearance. And they'll get a chance to show off . . . er, uh, perform for viewers.
"These people are regular just like everybody else," Elliott insisted. And she might be right, given that these days it seems like just about everybody is not only desperate to be on TV but under the impression that they're undiscovered stars.
And the star of this show wants you to know she's just a regular person, too.
"When you see Missy Elliott," she said, referring to herself in the third person, "don't look at Missy Elliott as the superstar on TV. Look at me as a human being. I cry, I laugh, I like to go to amusement parks.
"I use the bathroom just like each and every one of y'all do, too."
Yes, well, watching "The Road to Stardom with Missy Elliott" certainly might send you in that direction.
E-mail: pierce@desnews.com