I have nothing against video games. In fact, I own both a Sony PlayStation 2 and a Nokia N Gage and have been known to play some games on both systems — when I'm not busy watching movies or reading comic books, that is.
Right now I'm particularly fond of the game "Hulk Destruction," which was clearly modeled after the best parts of director Ang Lee's "Hulk" movie. You know, the sequences in which the CGI-animated title character smashes tanks and helicopters in the desert. But as snore-inducing as the rest of that movie was, at least Lee didn't make the mistake of having those action scenes be the entire movie.
If only the makers of the current crop of video game-inspired films were that savvy.
The latest, the science-fiction thriller "Doom," even culminates with a scene that looks like the action on a game screen. The only things missing are on-screen weapon "displays" and the characters' "life meters." (Well, that and also a game controller that might allow you to reset the game or find something that's more fun to play or watch.)
Like so many of its game-inspired competition, "Doom" is just a lazy piece of filmmaking. Its Space Marines premise was lifted straight from James Cameron's infinitely superior "Aliens."
And, unfortunately, that's pretty much the norm. The video-game genre hasn't produced even one decent movie to date.
The arguable high point was the beautifully animated but lifeless 2001 feature "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within."
Others include "Double Dragon" (1994) and the "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" movies (2001/2003) and "Super Mario Bros." (1993).
Or how about 1995's "Mortal Kombat" and its 1997 follow-up, "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?"
And while we're at it, don't even get me started on either "Wing Commander" (1999) or the two "Resident Evil" films.
The bad news is that most of these pictures have made money, which only encourages the movie industry to make more.
Next up are "Silent Hill," "Splinter Cell," "Spy Hunter" and "Tekken."
Where will it end?
Probably when someone ignites the game-censorship lobby by making a "Grand Theft Auto" movie.
Not that I'm trying to give them any ideas. . . .
ONE REASON FOR HOPE. The movie version of "Halo" is being produced by Peter Jackson, who's evidently a fan of the game. And the screenwriter taking a crack at the script is Alex Garland, who wrote the well-regarded novel that "The Beach" was based upon, and also wrote the Danny Boyle zombie thriller "28 days later. . . . "
BUT THEN AGAIN. . . . To my mind, the worst two video-game adaptations have been 2003's "House of the Dead" and "Alone in the Dark." Coincidentally, both were directed by the same man, German hack Uwe Boll.
Neither film was particularly successful, but Boll already has several other video-game adaptations in the works, including "Bloodrayne" and "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale," both due next year.
So let's see if we've got this right. Here is a man who could turn the relatively simple games "Pong" and "Pac-Man" into movies featuring a nightmarish blur of "Matrix"-style action, nonsensical plotting and nonexistent acting.
And yet he's allowed to make more?
Please, Hollywood, stop this man before he directs again!
E-mail: jeff@desnews.com