If Barbara Walters actually knew the answers to the questions she raises in her ABC special "Heaven: Where Is It? How Do We Get There?" — would you believe her?
Personally, I'm having a tough time with the concept.
Not with the concept of heaven, with the concept that the Queen of Infotainment would be the conduit for such information.
Walters is, after all, the woman last seen on ABC's prime-time schedule telling us that Camilla Parker-Bowles was the most fascinating person of 2005. And her self-promoting celebrity interviews have become not just things to be parodied but parodies of themselves.
Tonight's special starts out looking a lot like one of those celeb-fests. And not just because Richard Gere, Maria Shriver and Mitch Albom are among the, ahem, noted religious leaders Walters interviews, but because it opens with Walters sounding so, well, Walters-esque.
"Tonight we're going on a journey around this world and into the next," she intones. "Our ultimate destination — heaven."
Gee, maybe this ought to be on the Travel Channel instead of ABC.
And the first segments deal not with religion but with Hollywood — really. It's a quick journey through pop culture's visions of the afterlife, including theology according to Bob Dylan, "It's a Wonderful Life" and "Desperate Housewives," among others.
In a way, it's too bad that Walters can't resist her show-biz yearnings, because there are some interesting — even occasionally enlightening — segments in the show.
Walters does talk with a number of fascinating figures providing a number of different views on heaven — Roman Catholic Cardinal Theodore E. McCarrick; Rabbi Neil Gilman (along with a few jokes from rabbi/comedian Jackie Mason); Baptist minister Rev. Calvin Butts; even Ellen Johnson, president of the American Atheists Society.
National Association of Evangelicals' president, Pastor Ted Haggard, sets out to be his most charming and even manages to deflect Walters' question about why he has to be so darn "judgmental."
Walters conducts an absolutely chilling interview with a would-be suicide bomber (his bomb failed to go off), who's being held in an Israeli prison. And that's counterbalanced perfectly by an interview with Islamic scholar Feisal Abdul Rauf, who disputes the terrorist's view of their faith.
But Walters can't resist her flair for the dramatic, asking the terrorist, "You are sitting opposite me. Would you like me to go to hell?"
Not a fair question. At least not if he's ever seen her "news" specials.
The highlight of "Heaven" is Walters' interview with the Dalai Lama, who is revealed as a charming, witty, extremely lovable man who's both a religious icon and a guy you might like to spend some time with. And Walters deserves applause for providing us with that portrait.
But then she goes and ruins the moment by injecting herself into the story in revolting fashion, telling us that she was so taken with the Dalai Lama that she "did something I rarely do with a world leader."
"May I ask you something?" she asks him. "Is it possible to kiss you on the cheek?"
Oooh, gag.
Moreover, what does she mean "rarely"? Has she asked other world leaders if she could kiss them?
Oooh, gag.
Reporting on religion and various views of what the afterlife has in store is the sort of thing it takes some degree of courage to tackle on network television. And there's some really good stuff wrapped inside these two hours.
But . . . we wouldn't necessarily watch "Entertainment Tonight" for spiritual guidance. And, as the Queen of Infotainment, Walters is more believable reporting on the latest celebrity news than the meaning of life.
"WILL & GRACE" WILL go live for the second time this season, NBC has announced. What it didn't announce is why we should care.
After a lackluster, live season premiere, the sitcom — in its final season — will again go live on Thursday, Jan. 12, at 7 p.m. The episode involves the four main characters interacting in a bathroom. Really.
Of course, as is always the case, local viewers won't see this live. We'll get a repeat of the East Coast feed.
NOT MANY PEOPLE watched "The Nightstalker" by the time ABC canceled it, but the ones who did will finally get a chance to see how the story ended.
When the network axed the low-rated series in mid-November, it had aired only seven of the 10 episodes produced. Moreover, the last episode that aired was the first half of a two-parter . . . which left people who did see it hanging.
The fact that there was so little outcry about that is a strong indication of how little the show is missed.
Nevertheless, the Sci-fi Channel has bought the rights to all 10 of the "Nightstalker" episodes and will air them sometime in 2006.
E-mail: pierce@desnews.com